THE LEGEND OF BEAR: THE GREATEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER EVER

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

I introduce to you BEAR, the greatest football player never known. Because along with his amazing nose to get to the ball, tackles for losses, sacks, and create havoc in the backfield (literally), he also averaged more penalty yards than most teams. I will retell the Legend of Bear, just as he dreamt it up to be.

The Legend begins at Chelsea High School in Great Falls, Montana. Where Football Coach John Hayes is furious with his team losing 54-3 in the second quarter:

Coach Hayes: -errrgh! Now this is just horseshit. The defense is playing softer than the my old ladies well-lubricated skin. God, have they scored yet?

Defensive Coordinator - Lando Ripkins: Nope, we stopped 'em just short of the goal line. I think we're going to turn this one arou-

Coach Hayes: Shut your manpleaser you pink-lovin'-pansy. Your defense is as awful as a back massage from Edward Scissorhands...

(The defense stands on the field, waiting for the play call from the sidelines)

Lando Ripkins: Oh... uh... MANKISSER-Z47!

Announcer: *Fourth and Goal. Prepare to have your hopes taken sky high only to plummet to the ground faster than Jenna Jameson's knees.*

Coach Hayes: Jesus Christ. Look at them, they're more interested in the cheerleaders than the game.

Cheerleader: WHOOO! KNOCK ME UP AFTER THE GAME JOE! YAY! I LOVE YOU! TEXT ME!

*The offense prepares to snap the ball*

Coach Hayes: IS THERE ONLY 10 PEOPLE IN ON DEFENSE RIGHT NOW? FOCUS YOU FUCKS! I'M GONNA SLASH YOUR THROATS WITH A PLASTIC CLEAT IF YOU DON-... what the hell is that?

*The ball is snapped, and the tailback gets the ball before he's met in the backfield*

Lando Ripkins: It's a Bear!

BEAR: RAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGH!

*The tailback is dismembered by BEAR, the ball is loose, a nameless fatass from Chelsea High trips and falls on the ball. The crowd goes nuts. BEAR stands on his hind legs, and roars over the mangled body on the field.*

Announcer: *Defense recovers the fumble. Flag on the play.*

Coach Hayes: YES! Who the hell is that guy?

BEAR: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR!

Lando Ripkins: He's handsome.

Coach Hayes: For once, I'm not going to disagree, you Boy George wanna-be.

Referee: After the play, personal foul, dismembering on the defense. 15 yard penalty, 1st down (motions to other direction)... Chelsea.

Coach Hayes: Get that BEAR kid over here, we've got to have a heart-to-heart.

*BEAR walks slowly over the sideline, in no rush whatsoever.*

Coach Hayes: Son, I want you to play football for Chelsea High.

BEAR: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR! *collects mangled flesh leftovers from lips with tongue*

Coach Hayes: You show some fire out there. More fire than Coach Ripkins here gets for backstage N*SYNC tickets.

Lando Ripkins: It's the Backstreet Boys you monster!

BEAR: BEEEEEEEEEEAAR! *punches Ripkins in groin, to remind him that he is a man*

Lando Ripkins: *keeling over in pain*...you're right BEAR. You are wise and beyond your years with knowledge.

BEAR: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR!

Coach Hayes: Get this guy a jersey!

BEAR: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR! HAAAAATES OFFENSE!

Chelsea would go on to win the game in the second half, by forfeit. Oakland High School runs out of players (due to injury/death caused by BEAR) and couldn't field a team by the fourth quarter. BEAR was flagged 47 times in the game, accumulating 705 penalty yards (a new state record). Coach Hayes was never upset, but impressed by BEAR's spunk and the way he attacked the ball carrier. 27 players (2 from Chelsea) had to be taken to the Emergency Room that night, 4 players didn't survive the game. 3 died from natural BEAR causes, the other from a BEAR teabaggin'.

The Legend will continue next week...