THE MAIN ATTRACTION: THE DE NIRO/PACINO SCHOOL OF SPORTS MATCHMAKING

by Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict

Back in the day, the boys and I used to argue over nonsense all the time. All the time. Many of those arguments were "who's better" ones. The most frequent of that variety?

Who's the better actor: Al Pacino or Robert De Niro?

Seriously, in our inner circle that debate took place about as often as "Bird, Magic or Mike?" It was typically more heated as well.

(For the record, I've always been a De Niro guy. His versatility gives him a slight edge over Captain Hoo-Ha.)

We were teenagers -- obsessed with the gangster-flick genre and its two biggest stars. We cut up the crown jewel of the genre, The Godfather Part II, way more than anyone should discuss anything. We all felt that Francis Ford Coppola's masterpiece was the perfect movie. Still, there was something we wished we could have seen. We longed to see De Niro and Pacino appear together on screen. We practically had hard-ons for that sh**.

In 1995 -- around the time of Carlito's Way, Goodfellas, Pulp Fiction, The Usual Suspects, etc..., when we were most obsessed with gangster flicks -- we finally got our wish. De Niro and Pacino starred together in Michael Mann's crime drama Heat. I use the term "together" loosely, because the two alpha males only shared about ten minutes of screen time, and only engaged in one face-to-face conversation. We loved Heat, but this was a huge tease to us. It felt about like I imagine rounding third base with Eva Mendes only to get cut off before scoring would.

Believe it or not, sometime next year we'll finally get some blueball relief. That's right; De Niro and Pacino are teaming up once again, this time in the upcoming cop flick Righteous Kill. At this point in their careers, it might be comparable to if Sir Charles played alongside Ground Jordan with the Wizards. We'll take it -- late is better than never, (or two movies, yet only ten minutes of shared-screen time) right?

This got me thinking -- sports is no different than film. We like our stars, and the bigger the match-up (either as allies or rivals) the better.

The Tom Brady-Randy Moss connection has been the talk of the NFL this year. That duo's so big that I'm not sure Hollywood dropping a Tom (Cruise/Hanks) bomb on us would be any bigger. K.G. is also relevant once again after landing in Beantown to play alongside a couple of fellow All-Stars. Remember how we all tuned in over and over again in order to witness every second of the Donovan-T.O. and Kobe-Shaq soap operas? What about Barry Sanders? We rooted for him to land on a real team the same way we rooted for Arnold and Sly to team up in a blow-sh**-up action fest. And we always know who star athletes are dating, whether we like to admit it or not.

Here's my shot at playing the sports world's mad scientist...

The De Niro/Pacino School of Sports Matchmaking

• Ben Wallace and Ron Artest play for the same team. The last time these two Bulls (one current, one former) rumbled, the NBA almost crumbled. Imagine the chaos they could cause together? Even the original Bad Boys might not be able to stomach that. Would you want to take it to the hole with those two hovering in the lane? Funny thing is, both of these guys almost ended up Lakers a few weeks back. It wouldn't have been Showtime again, but it definitely would have been quite the show.

• Alex Rodriguez signs with a National League team and helps them become a dynasty. I'm not going to tippy-toe around this like Shaun Alexander trying not to get hit. Point blank -- I want to see A-Rod make the Red Sox and Yanks miserable. I'm a Royals fan, so for me the most enjoyable part of baseball is rooting against the dueling evil empires. I'd love to see the man Scott Boras calls "the four-letter word" make the Sox and Yanks utter four-letter words by winning it all with the Cubs, Dodgers, Giants or Mets (or even Angels, I suppose).

• Danica Patrick switches to NASCAR. This would really stir the pot. Why? Because, let's face it, the average sports fan is white and chauvinistic. Especially NASCAR fans. Love you all, but you're not the most "cultured" demographic around. This would really almost be like Sacha Baron Cohen's (Borat) gay Talladega Nights character joining NASCAR. Or a mixed guy dominating the PGA for a decade. It would cause an uproar, and I'd love every minute of it. It's amazing how far the Kournikova Effect can carry certain women athletes. If she looked like this, nobody would be talking about her. Never would have really started in the first place. Sad but true.

• The Britney Spears-Tony Romo relationship actually happens. The star quarterback of America's Team and America's biggest celebrity turned trainwreck. If anything can ruin Jerry Jones' $67 million investment (hey, I like Romo... for a Cowboy, anyway), it's gotta be Miss Spears. I just read that she's pregnant again, actually. Please, God, let it be true. And let it be a little Romo. Please. Maybe they did a little catching up after Ketchup, huh? He strikes me as a smart guy, but he is a little accident prone. Remember last year's playoffs? And we know she's fertile. This could backfire and cause a Brit resurgence, but, if not, the downfall of Romo would pave the way for...

• America's Team meets America's quarterback. Can you imagine the media hype that would swirl around Brett Favre, Cowboys starting QB? The main reason I'd like to see this is so we could all witness John Madden's head spontaneously combust live, on the air, followed by some asinine Keith Olberman rant about it at halftime. This would suck for Packers fans, though. They'd be stuck watching Aaron Rodgers while No. 4 went nuts with T.O. and Co. But sometimes that's just life, Cheeseheads. At least you're not Cardinals fans...
  

• Mark Mangino makes history at Kansas, moves on to the Arizona Cardinals. The big man movin' on up is humorous for various reasons: A.) The pretty boy (Matt Leinart) meets the pastry boy. Talk about the odd couple. B.) How in the hell could Mangino survive that desert heat? Would he die? C.) The NFL would mean more Mangino, which sounds like an impossibility, but is actually possible. You never know. If Mangino keeps on winning, and Whisenhunt keeps on losing... I'm just saying.
  

• Anderson Silva fights Tito Ortiz inside The Octagon. This could easily be one of the biggest UFC bouts ever. Either Ortiz would have to move down a class or Silva would have to move up, but both are semi-realistic possibilities. The stark contrast is what would make this match. The silent-but-deadly Spider is always calm, humble and smooth. He's like an artist out there, gracefully handing out masterpiece beatings to each and every opponent that challenges him. The Huntington Beach Bad Boy is the exact opposite. He's cocky. He's intense. He's loud. He'll beat your ass, tell you he beat your ass and then put on a shirt that reminds you that he beat your ass. Now that Chuck Liddell is struggling and Randy Couture has gone AWOL, Tito is the biggest PPV draw out there. Meanwhile, Sherdog currently has Silva as the No. 1 pound-for-pound fighter in the world. I'm telling you, this is the match. There isn't anyone else left for either of these guys to fight (well, maybe Dan Henderson... Rampage might be too big).
  

• MNF ditches Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski and Tony Kornheiser in favor of Kevin Harlan, Michael Smith and Bill Maher. You don't like my trio? Fine. F*** off. But you can't tell me they wouldn't be better than The Three Stooges. Harlan's an unbelievable play-by-play guy, Smith is the smoothest football guru around and nobody is quicker on their feet than Maher. Honestly, I'd be fine if Smith just replaced Kornheiser. If we're going to have sports guys up there, let's have guys that really know football. If we're going to have comedians, then let's have real comedians. Kornheiser doesn't fit, even during the tremendously irritating celeb sitdowns. Back to reality -- I seriously doubt that the folks at ABC/Disney/ESPN would ever, ever bring in Maher. But let's keep the Smith idea in mind. He's a perfect fit, and would end up being MNF's answer to Kirk Herbstreit.
  

• Steve Nash and Yao Ming form the ultimate dynamic duo. No, not in the All-Star Game either. Fulltime. 82 games a year. First off, these guys would just look hilarious standing together. I had to stop typing for a minute because I started laughing my ass off. Just look at those two side by side. Hilarious. They'd probably be a pretty silly on-court combo, too. Silly as in stupid. Silly as in sick. The alley oops would take us back to the Kemp-Payton days, and Nash would catapult Yao to MVP status. Let's make a deal: Amare and The Matrix for Yao and Bonzi Wells. Sounds fair to me. I'll let the front office guys worry about matching the salaries.
  

• Tom Osborne returns to coaching The Big Red. Let's get this straight -- I hate Nebraska football. I... HATE... NEBRASKA... FOOTBALL. Yet, there's a part of me that is completely and utterly intoxicated by the idea of this story. The old king returns and returns a crumbled kingdom to its former glory. It would be like Joe Gibbs coming back to the Redskins, except for the winning, or lack thereof. This should really be more of a nightmare for me, but Nebraska has gotten so bad that I can't even hate them this year. Give me something I can hate, Tommy! Oklahoma is pulling through on their half of the bargain.
  

• Barry Bonds signs with Yanks, faces Curt Schilling in crucial out of 2008 ACLS Game Seven. These two polar opposites seem like they'd hate each other. In fact, I'm sure they do. Old Bloody Sock actually called out Mr. Watermelon Head pretty good a few years back. Besides, they're both as good as it gets. Oddly enough, I'd pull for Bonds and The Pinstripes here in this situation. As much as I hate the Yanks and dislike Bonds, I hate the Sox just as much and loathe Schilling. At least Bonds knows he's a dickhead, and isn't some self-righteous ass clown. C'mon, man, just admit that you doctored that sock.