MATCH.COM MONDAYS: DICK VITALE

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

As we make our way through this world, we're all trying to do one thing... procreate. But sometimes, it's hard to find a partner who shares the same interests as you do. I'm all about love baby, so I'll be promoting the Match.com profiles of our favorite athletes/commentators/journalists. You never know, you the reader might find the love of your life!

This Week's Featured Profile: Dick Vitale
Display Name: UNCOMFORTABLY-EN3RGETIK
Status: Online now!

* age: 68.
* seeking: ANYONE WHO LIKES LOUD NOISES AND SENSATIONALISM

Relationships: The one with my wife? Or my invisible friends working the camera? Both are on the rocks, baby!
Have kids: TWO DAUGHTA'S, DON'T GET ANY STRANGE IDEAS YOU CLOWNS
Ethnicity: Pale
Body type: Does Cankles qualify?
Height: I'm no high risaaaaaah!
Religion: A proud honorary member of the Cameron Crazies!
Smoke: You shoulda' seen the bud I had back in college! Did. I. EVAH!
Drink: If it's not ACC basketball... ABSOLUTELY!

My Job:
I'm a color commentatah on ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in Sports and Homerism. The Big Wigs here in Bristol wait until late Decembah to pull me out of the attic, dust me off, throw some powdah on this bald dome piece, and let me goosh ovah college basketball on National Television! Yeah babay! Erection!

Favorite Hot Spots:
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Where isn't there a hot spot around this country? If I'm not chillin' in my home of Sarasotah, Floridah, I'm joggin' up and down Tobacco Road stalking Mr. Tyler Hansbrough and Kyle Singl-ah gettin' locks of hair to cover my shameful mirror-like reflection on top! The Foghouse in Lawrence! The Rupp Cent-ah in Lexington! The O'Connell Centah in Gainesville! Jesus, I need a change of absorbent briefs.

For Fun:
Oh Lawd, you've got no ideas how many parties you can hit up when you're old, work half-year around, and when you ARE workin', you're watching basketball, surrounded by college students who are easily fooled by panderin' and quips of respect over national television. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'M GETTING PAID FOR THIS? I've got the best job in America, no doubt! I love it. And the young co-eds are so beautiful. I jus' wannah' smell their hair, caress the small of their back, and continue being that "creepy old guy" on campus.

Favorite Things:
College basketball! Duuuuuuh! Tobacco Road. The way a tie fits around Coach K's soft, gorgeous jugular. The fact that Brandon Rush will be in college forevah! Diaper Dandies... like real babies! Round balls. The hair that depressingly lies on the sides of my head but not quite the top. My mom's taste in my wardrobe. Erin Andrews interviews at halftime. The tournament in March! Goats, Devils, Wildcats, Jayhawks, Longhorns, Gators, Spartans, and crystal meth!

Last Read:
"Accepting the Creep in you", by Michael Jackson

About Me and Who I'm Looking For:
I'M SO STOKED RIGHT NOW I COULD HEADBUTT THROUGH A CEMENT WA-... Christ, I'll cut the crap. I'm so lonely and tired of this shit, baby. I'm like a damn wind up doll. Can I just hook up with some dame that's going to treat me like trash, call me things like "Cockless Badger", and let me live a life of heroin and cheap, warm beer. Is that too much to ask? Besides, I'm not into crowd surfing. That stuff was cool back when I was 30.