MATCH.COM MONDAYS: RON ZOOK

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

As we make our way through this world, we're all trying to do one thing... procreate. But sometimes, it's hard to find a partner who shares the same interests as you do. I'm all about love baby, so I'll be promoting the Match.com profiles of our favorite athletes/commentators/journalists. You never know, you the reader might find the love of your life!

This Week's Featured Profile: Ron Zook
Display Name: HERE_COMES_THE_KNEE
Status: Online now!

* age: 53
* seeking: A bitch that's as bat-shit crazy as I am.

Relationships: Married, but that can change!
Have kids: Two adorable, snotty daughters
Ethnicity: Your Token White Guy
Body type: Stacked Animal
Height: Tall enough to work the middle of the field if I wanted to
Religion: The Spread Offense
Smoke: Only the chronic
Drink: After a big win, yes sir, but conservatively

My Job:
I'm the coach of the Illinois Fighting Illini. I'm also the dancer formerly known as "Passion Fruit" at Cafe Risque' outside of Champagne. I also do parties, bar mitzvahs, and high school reunions.

Favorite Hot Spots:
I like getting lost in a local bar. There's one here in Champagne called "The Wooden Indian". It's got some cool arcade stuff in there like NFL Blitz and one of those Punch Meters. Playing Blitz is tough for me because the play calls in there are a tad bit aggressive. Which by the way, aggressive chicks freak me out.

For Fun:
I like to take bathes in Gatorade, because it makes me feel like I'm a better coach than what I really am... which is really bad. Just recently I took down the #1 team in the country with a record first, my quarterback's name was "Juice". Suck on these nuts, Sweatervest. By the way, that thing makes you look like a complete fag. You can suck on my hooded-cobra-dick.

Favorite Things:
I like football obviously, but I totally dig doing things the unconventional way. I like traveling, and checking out the sights. Making bad decisions, actin' a fool in interviews, and putting my life in danger. I once red-lined off of a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a line of cocaine. That shit was exhilarating. Afterwards, I head-butted my grandmother and donkey punched my wife... while listening to Korn.

Last Read:
I'm not into reading books, too boring. But the last great flick I watched was Jackie Chan's "Who Am I?". God, I'd love to have that kid run the option with Juice.

About Me and Who I'm Looking For:
I'm been searching for a place to call home, and a lady that's into making bad decisions as much as I do. I'm also looking for the guys that started fireronzook.com. I really want to open a can of whoop ass on those guys. I'm looking for the guys who let the dogs out, and the ones who started the fire. I'm looking for the answer as to why I'm so kickass at getting big time recruits to come to my yokel school. Yeah, that sounds right.

The chicks are gonna dig this profile. I'm stoked man, I think I'm going to grab a syringe and inject some gasoline into my testicles.