MINNESOTA SPORTS: THE WASTELAND

by wwtb?, Pacifist Viking

Can you even conceive how dire the Minnesota sports landscape looks right now?

The Vikings are 3-6, last in their division.

The Timberwolves are 0-5, theoretically not last in their division, as Seattle is 0-7.

The Minnesota Gopher football team is 1-10, last in their conference.

The Minnesota Gopher basketball team is coming off a 9-22 season, and amazingly their 3-13 conference record was good for ninth in their conference.

The Minnesota Twins are coming off a 79-83 season, third in their division.

Since the Minneapolis Lakers moved in 1960, Minnesota’s pro sports teams have won two championships. Our pro sports teams haven’t even been to the championship round in any of the four major sports since 1991. That’s 16 years since any of our pro teams have even been in a World Series, Super Bowl, NBA Finals, or Stanley Cup Finals. Even losing them would be something; we can't even get there anymore.

But it’s not just what’s not happening in Minnesota, but what’s happening elsewhere that’s so galling; many of our former players are leading other teams to great success. Former Twin David Ortiz is a superstar in Boston, helping them to two recent World Series wins. Kevin Garnett has rejuvenated the Celtics to an undefeated start. And Randy Moss is helping the Patriots to an historic season offensively, as the Patriots pursue 19-0. Basically, our former heroes are helping Boston’s team’s win championships. And Torii Hunter is probably leaving the Twins too.

Oh, our biggest rival, the Green Bay Packers, are 8-1.

Let's put the suckitude in proper perspective. How many games, combined, do you think our pro basketball and football teams AND division one basketball and football teams will win this season? I do not think the Vikings, Timberwolves, Gopher football team, and Gopher basketball team will combine for 40 wins this season. 35 might be tough.

If you're a Minnesota sports fan, the only way you're not entirely enveloped in the collective depression is if you're a hockey fan. The Minnesota Gopher hockey team is always very good, and the Minnesota Wild, somehow not infected by the total suckitude, are 9-5, second in their division.

Do you live in a sports region that you think is more miserable than Minnesota? Please, share why. Cleveland and Buffalo have legitimate arguments. As a matter of fact, I respect the good citizens of Cleveland and Buffalo, in the same way somebody surviving kidney failure respects somebody surviving liver failure. The rest of you? Do you think you're more miserable? Tell me why.