THE NFL ALL-JAIL TIME TEAM

by T, The Angry T

As you probably know by now, Michael Vick has surrendered to police. This was absolutely shocking, because Vick has spent his entire career getting away from trouble, only to give up in his toughest spot to date. Why not hole up in your house and shoot your way out? Maybe build an intricate network of subterranean tunnels and hide underground until the feds just give up (It worked for me and my cat fighting charges) Maybe strap on a fake dynamite vest made of road flairs and attempt to save your father’s company and your towns only source of income? That one definitely worked in Tommy Boy.

In any event, Michael is the latest NFL player in a long line of footballers to don the orange jumpsuit and do some hard time. While baseball gets killed for steroids, no one seems to mind that NFL players are getting arrested and going to jail at alarming rates. (Different story for a different time) Instead of focusing on all the negatives with Vick, I have decided to enshrine him, in an updated version of the NFL All-Criminal Team. For every position possible, I have tried my best to include a player that has actually spent some time in jail, but as you will see it didn’t work at each position. I did make sure that each of these mean was at least convicted of something. Enjoy, if that is possible to do with any list involving Rae Carruth:

Offense

QB – Ronald Michael Mexico Vick – Barely beats out Robo QB Todd Marinovich for this spot.

RB – Lawrence Phillips – By now most of the world knows that Larry tried to run down a group of teenagers with his car after a loss in a pick-up football game. Larry is currently in jail awaiting sentencing and could receive up to 20 years in jail for hitting those teenagers. I am calling bullshit on this one mostly because no NFL Europe MVP should be subject to the laws of normal people.

RB – Dave Meggett – Jamal Lewis can thank Dave for his exclusion from this team. Dave was late on child support, sexually assaulted a woman in Toronto during his playing career, and allegedly raped his girlfriend. I say allegedly because according to the commenters on this article, and I always trust blog commenters, the woman may have been lying. In any event, Dave beats Jamal because everyone knows that drugs are a victimless crime (except to the users and their families) while rape is a victim filled crime.

WR – Rae Carruth – This is one sick individual. I wouldn’t mind seeing Rae and O.J. in a tag team match against a vile of bubonic plague and a live bear.

WR – Chris Henry – Any list of criminals, football related or otherwise would not be complete without Chris Henry. Chris spent two days in jail for a grab bag of offenses including give alcohol to minor and bear baiting.

TE – Jerramy Stevens – Jerramy narrowly edged out an aquitted Mark Chmura on the strength of 12 days in jail following a DUI and marijuana possession arrest. Picking Jerramy also allowed me to use the saddest mug shot ever.



OL – Justin Strzelczyk – Justin led police on a 40 mile chase that ended in a fiery crash with a tanker carrying corrosive acid. During the chase, Justin could be seen flipping off police and even threw a beer bottle at one of the police cars.

OL – Nate Newton – The jolly green giant was caught with nearly 400 pounds of the chronic in two separate traffic stops. Nate was sentenced to 32 months in prison. Never one to lose his sense of humor, Nate reflected on his time in the dope game by saying, “It was all the fun the law would allow…and then some.”

OL - Gerald Perry – Perry was Chris Henry before there was a Chris Henry. He was arrested five times from fall 1988 to spring 1990 for everything from assault and battery to solicitation to sexual assault. For the record, I am not sure that he is not Chris Henry’s father.

OL – Barret Robbins – Not only did he miss the Super Bowl while playing for the Raiders in 2003, Barrett attacked police officers, absorbed two gunshots and just kept coming. Robbins has been haunted by Bipolar disease throughout this playing career, so unlike the vast majority of people on this list his actions can be in some ways explained.

OL – Carlton Haserling – Former Steeler Carlton Haserling was suspended by the NFL three times for a string of substance abuse violations. DUI’s were his forte and Carlton secures his spot on his list after being sentenced to a year in jail for riding a motorcycle while intoxicated with his helmet on backwards.

Defense

DL – Dexter Manley – Manley was banned from the NFL for repeated violations of the substance abuse policy due to cocaine use. More recently Manley served in jail for two counts of crack cocaine possession. Even more recently, Manley underwent 10 ½ hours of brain surgery to remove a cyst in his brain. He discovered this cyst 20 years earlier when he collapsed in a department store after an all-night drug bender.

DL – Alonzo Spellman – Spellman is another player that struggled with mental disease throughout his playing career. His most famous criminal act was terrorizing passengers on an airplane and forcing an emergency landing. He also holed himself up in the house of his publicity and forced a SWAT team led standoff with police. Mike Singletary had to be brought in to end this dangerous situation.

DL – Tank Johnson – Tank served four months in jail for probation violations stemming from a police raid where 10 unlicensed guns where found at Tank’s home. Don’t worry Cowboys fans, Tank was sure to keep himself in fantastic shape while in prison. Summer sausage is a natural anti-oxidant.

DL – Jim Dunaway – Jim was charged with murdering his ex-wife after his wife has won a large divorce judgment. Dunaway was acquitted of murder charges but later lost a civil suit to his children, which sounds eerily similar to the another Buffalo Bill with whom he played three seasons.

LB – Ray Lewis – Show me a person who wouldn’t conceal a murder for one of their good friends, spend a little time in jail, and pay out money to the family of the victims that he did not kill, and I’ll show you a bad friend.

LB – Lawrence Taylor – While his first love was football, love 1A for Lawrence was definitely crack/cocaine. He was involved in a ridiculous number of legal situations in including, but not limited to, tax evasion, child support payment issues and ties to organized crime.

LB – Bill Romanowski – Steroid problems and racist issues aside, I will reiterate, I as I have done several times on this website, that Bill should be put in jail for his role as a gay trucker in the movie Weiners, starring Kenan, for Kenan and Kel.

CB – Pacman Jones – Unless you are a real person living in real life, a triple shooting at a club followed by another assault incident in another bar within six months always leads to no jail time and a wrestling career.

CB – Fred Smoot – There is nothing I love more than a good sex party and I’ll be damned if Fred Smoot doesn’t know how to host one Fred was allegedly the organizer of the event on lake Minnetonka and flew in prostitutes from around the country to take part in the festivities. Smoot was charged with community service and 30 days in jail, which he has yet to serve.

FS – Sean Taylor – In one of the greatest plea agreements in the history of plea agreements, Taylor avoided jail time after assaulting and pulling a gun on another man. Taylor reached an agreement on charges that could have put him in prison for a maximum 46 years by paying court costs and agreeing to speak at 10 Miami areas schools on the importance of education. In case you were wondering, Taylor did not graduate from the University of Miami.

SS – Terrence Kiel- Surprise surprise Terrence avoided jail time by pleading guilty to drug trafficking charges. Terrence shipped a codeine based cough syrup combined with cola to create a drug called “lean,” or “purple drank.” It should also be noted that after getting caught for shipping drugs, Terrence got caught peeing in public, which the judge said “made him think twice” about agreeing to a plea deal. Thank god for the American justice system and our football fan judges.

God Bless American football.

(Originally published 10/21)