PROFILE: FORGOTTEN NBA LEGEND JOHN CROTTY

by Tbone, The Sports Hernia

John Crotty

Height: A painfully white 6'1"

Weight: 185lbs. of blistering courage (as shown at right)

Hair: Majestic

Teams: Jazz, Cavs, Heat, Blazers, Sonics, Pistons, Nuggets... Christ, who didn't he wave the towel for?

Stats: It was never really much of a numbers game for John Crotty, any fool that watched him ball knew it was about impressing the ladies with his chest hair peeking through the top of his jersey more than anything else.

His most impressive stat is that he played 477 games in his career and started 6 of them, yet somehow managed to last eleven seasons in the NBA, two of which were in Portland with Rider, Rasheed and the rest of the boys. It's amazing little Crotty is still with us, although many insiders from the Portland days point out that any time he would walk out to the practice court wearing his prized short-shorts, Arvydas Sabonis would quickly pull him aside and give him a violent set of arm curl wedgies, much to the delight of the cartoonish Portland roster, but more importantly by doing so, ultimately saving Crotty's hide.

Comparable athlete: Michael J. Fox; Roger Lodge

Shining moments & interesting facts:

• Was never actually drafted by an NBA team (actually true).
  
• Arm wrestled Adam Keefe on a nightly basis during the '94-95 season for the right to devour the many scraps left behind by notorious beaver machine, Tom Chambers.
  
• Was once pulled over for speeding by former teammate Olden Polynice. This was ironically the same night Olden Polynice was caught impersonating an NBA center.
  
• According to Urban Dictionary is one 'badass motherfucker'.
• Was known as a "dead man's Dan Majerle" during their days together on the Heat.
  
• Did some crazy shit once with Jeff Hornacek, John Stockton and some other white guy.
• Works out regularly and maintains a healthy diet (this is actually listed among his real career highlights).
  
• Has a framed picture of Kelly Tripucka's chest hair hanging in his living room.
• Finished last in Dan Majerle's celebrity ass-fishing tournament.