A-ROD TO SIGN WITH THE MARLINS!

by Kirk, Part Mule

... ahhh. Gotcha. Yeah! Sure... AND the small-market Marlins are left with five position players... AND have gone bankrupt... AND A-Rod is dating a tranny again... riiiiggght. Sorry... just foolin'... well, maybe not the last part, as we know A-Rod's penchant for muscular "woman" and it is an awfully long off-season.

Actually, it appears A-Rod is going to purchase Shaquille O'Neal's palatial Star Island oasis down in Miami, the fallout from Shaq's divorce from his wife Shaunie.

Shaq has been trying to sell the place since the beginning of the year. He paid $18.8 million for it in 2004 and has sold it for between $25 million and $27 million. O'Neal doesn't need the huge manse now that he's splitting from his wife, Shaunie. [link to story]

Man. Nice return on investment, Diesel. A cool $6+ million for a mansion you spent a lot of time in -- nursing your varied weight-related injuries while Dwyane Wade carried your ass the past three years. And A-Rod, a nice retreat for you to escape the media after your future playoff floundering. Sounds like the perfect transaction.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The headline to this story is not as funny as you thought. Some dope in Miami actually felt the need to reassure us that A-Rod was, in fact, not going to sign with the Marlins. No shit, Sherlock.