THE RUNDOWN: THE MEMORABLE STEREOTYPES

by Davey, Blown Coverage

The Rundown is a weekly "gambling" column based on and inspired by the time I spent working at sports books.

I have worked at a bunch of different departments during my time at the books, but for sheer hilarity and awkwardness, nothing beat taking phone calls from those degenerate betters out there. I have experienced every season, every sport and in the process I basically came across every type of gambler that exists.

So today, I'm going to share with you some of my favorite stereotypes. These guys are the memorable ones that still plow through my mind like Mr. Met with Anna Benson.

1. The Asian who you can't quite understand.

This is the token Asian guy that calls and who's accent is so bad that your ears are bleeding midway through the convo...

Him : "Gimme to teang palay Steelahs and Chahgahs and ovah Clebaland"
Me : "You mean, a two team parlay with the Steelers and the Chargers and the over in the Cleveland game?"
Him : No.
Me : "......................"

2. The guy that wants the complete "rundown" of games.
I guess I called this column "The Rundown" because this was the client that I hated the most. He's the guy that calls Friday night and asks the spread, the total and the moneyline on every college and pro football game that's on the schedule that weekend. If the baseball season is still kicking it, this guy will also want all the baseball lines complete with starting pitchers.

Bonus points for when he calls back an hour later to see if anything has changed since his last call.

3. The guy who's never happy.

Man, this fellow has some issues.

a. The wife drives him crazy.
b. He's denied sex on a daily basis.
c. He has debt up to his eyeballs.
d. The job has been raping him for years now.
e. The kids suck him dry every chance they get.
f. He probably lives in Cleveland.
g. He had a lot of money on the Trailblazers in game 7 of that Lakers series.

He seriously sounds like he could have a massive heart attack at any moment during our convo...

Him : "Who's pitching for the Royals tonight?"
Me : "Brian Anderson"
Him : "No he's not. Greinke is pitching. Don't you know anything?"
Me : "There was a pitching change sir. Anderson will be the starter tonight."
Him : "I hope you die."
Me : "That's very kind of you sir...."

4. The guy who deliberately wants to get you fired.

F*ck this dude. F*ck him in the elbow. He's the fellow that will do some very strange things and when you try to correct him, he'll ask for you supervisor and he's going to make sure that your ass will be on the street within the next 5 minutes.

Him : "What's going on in baseball tonight?"
Me : * spend the next 5 minutes giving lines, moneylines, totals, and pitchers*
Him : "........um.........hmmmmmmmmmmmm.........hmmmmmmmmmm.........hmmmmmmmm

* another 5 minutes passes *

Him : "Yeah, give me the Cardinals".
Me : "Sir, they're already in the top of the second inning"
Him : " Well, if it didn't take you an eternity to give me the lines, I could have some action on that game..."
Me : "Sir, the game was already in progress when you called."
Him : "So now you're getting smart with me huh. That's it. Give me your supervisor. I'm sure he'd love to hear about you calling me a liar and a thief."
Me : "................................."

Bonus points for when he calls from his car phone and tells you to call his house so that you can leave the lines on his answering machine.

5. The guy that wants your advice even though that's not allowed.

This gentleman is unsure about himself and he's very cautious when he makes his picks. Either that, or he's a cheap d*ck who's really afraid to lose money.

Him : So, who do you like today?"
Me : Eh, I can't really say sir. I'm not allowed to do that."
Him : Hmmm. Well, what's your favorite team?"
Me : "The Dolphins."
Him : "They're not doing very well since that entire Ricky Williams thing went down huh..."
Me : "No, they might as well be handing the ball off to a paralyzed goldfish"
Him : "I guess I'll be taking the Packers today then. Thanks."
Me : "..........................."

6. The suck up.

I usually got very confused with this guy. This is the gentleman that will tell you how great you are and how you are by far the best worker in that place.

Even though I like to think that I'm the balls, I always wondered why I was getting showered with so many sweet nothings...

Now, there could be a few reasons for this.

a. He's a lonely man.
b. His life is emptier than mine.
c. He genuinely thought that I'm the best one in there and he was just being honest and not blatantly homosexual.
d. He needs some sort of medical attention.
e. His way of being sarcastic is slightly awkward.
f. He likes to spend his days pretending to be a Boxer while wearing a silly hat.
g. I should probably get a restraining order because he wants to violate me kidneys.

7. The chatterbox.

He's a mix between the suck up and the dude that wants your advice, only he never makes a play. If the suck up confuses me, then this guy scares the Eric Mangini out of me.

He'll call, he'll specifically ask for me and he'll spend the next 10 minutes making small talk, then laugh uncontrollably, contemplate suicide and suddenly hang up without making a play. Nope. Nothing awkward about that...

8. He who needs action on whatever is going on.

This one always amused me. I'm thinking that this guy has a serious addiction and that he probably needs some sort of rehab. He'll wager on anything. Women's field hockey, Turkish soccer, midget bungee jumping. You name it, he'll have some action on it.

That said, this guy does get annoying when it's late and you want to go home and he's still wagering on obscure college basketball games involving teams you probably never even heard of.

Bonus points for when he's doing sexual favors on the side of the street, just so he can keep feeding his addiction.