SIDESHOW ALLEY: AN OPEN LETTER TO JENNIFER WALCOTT

by Dr. C, Chicago Bull

Jennifer Walcott, what do you see in Adam Archuleta? Is his terrible tackling a term of endearment to you? Do you think it's cute when he gets his ankles broken every other play? What makes you stay with this ass clown? I have a few assumptions that I would like to determine based off of what I have seen as your personal preferences.

1. You wear the pants in your relationships. Could you easily send a line to Purple Jesus when the Bears are in Minnesota soon? Sure. You could have him take you to dinner while he plants his seed in you celestially. But that's not you, is it? Instead of embracing this idea, you shove your man's face in his weaknesses. What's next, showing up to a Cubs game and doing an interview with Pat Hughes and Ron Santo showing off your legs telling Ronnie that these are useful, motherf---er?

2. You have that Titanic quality about you, and I'm not talking about your fake tits (although they are nice). If he goes down, you go down. But you probably don't go down, much like Judith in Saving Silverman. I'll bet a hundred bucks says you've never sucked somebody off outside of business. (Please send payment options to mjcardosi@gmail.com)

3. Finally, you are the Kenneth Lay of Playmate-athlete girlfriends. There's no reason for you not to leave right now; the Bears suck, and Archuleta sucks more (if that's possible). Yet you still stay... God only knows what type of exit strategy you've planned, which leads me to believe you're also smart. Maybe Walcott in '12, and I would vote for you based off of how much you won't wear in the Oval Office.

ADRIAN ARRINGTON AND MARIO MANNINGHAM ARE THE BIGGEST PUSSIES ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH: Wow. That's all I was left to type after watching the Michigan-Ohio State game. I've seen some real big pussies before (Upham from Saving Private Ryan, Eli Manning), but you two took the cake and ran with it. Everytime you got a pass that was catchable you dropped it in fear of getting hit (paging Jennifer Walcott, fresh blood will be entering the NFL draft in April). As a Michigan fan, you can go fuck yourselves much like Lloyd Carr.

SPEAKING OF MICHIGAN, CHAD HENNE WILL BECOME THE NEXT TOM BRADY: A bold claim? Possibly. Brady sucked at Michigan. Why do you think he was drafted in the 6th round of the 2000 NFL draft to begin with? There's been plenty of shitty Michigan quarterbacks who have never gotten anywhere, Jim Harbaugh, Brian Griese and John Navarre to name a few, and I'm sure there's plenty more that the guys at Ghosts of Wayne Fontes can think of that I've forgotten.

RICORADO MAYORGA IS MY NEW FAVORITE BADASS: I saw a preview for Vargas v. Mayorga on DirecTV, and they showed Mayorga smoking a cigarette holding up his belt after a fight during the promo. That is the definition of a badass. A world class athlete who is jonesin' for a smoke like Mark Grace back in the day. As a fellow smoker, I support you sir. You make us all proud.

FINALLY, MY GRANDPA IS THE BEST PERSON TO WATCH BEARS GAMES WITH: A bit of a homer move, but I don't give a fuck. I had to help my grandpa move some stuff as they are selling their house, but in turn I got to watch most of the game with him. Here's his thoughts on the game as I depart:

- Urlacher should fucking retire. He can't tackle anybody.
- Muhammad's coke habit is finally wearing on him; he can't play anymore. Maybe it's methamphetamines or speed. But it's probably coke.
- I hope they take that asshole's face off of him so he can never play again (Grossman).
- They suck. So do the Bulls.