THIS GAME REALLY DOESN'T MEAN SH!T

by Stan, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

I hate to gloat – wait, scratch that, I LOVE to gloat. And so gloat, I shall. I saw this coming. Yup, while most of you Michigan and Ohio State fans were too busy getting fat and happy about the respective success of each team, I saw this coming a mile away. The “Biggest Rivalry in College Football” means jack shit today. Yet, that’s not any indication that I’m not going to watch. I mean who doesn’t stare out of curiosity at the scene of an accident on the side of the freeway.

And that brings me back to my gloating stance. Wait, what do you mean you saw this coming? Well, it all started before the season even began when I spoke candidly and on the record in this very space about my disdain and displeasure for Michigan. I correctly predicted the usual choke job to a non-conference team; followed by the inevitable win streak that would propel Michigan fans into thinking they somehow deserved a shot at the National Championship picture. A few months and several death threats later, look who’s right?

Much thanks go out to Appalachian State and Oregon for making me look somewhat Nostradamic. Of course, the eight game win streak rose from the ashes and then I heard something that nearly forced me to soil my own pants. “Michigan is only a blocked FG away from being a Top 3 team.” OK, but the field goal did get blocked and they lost to Appalachian “fucking” State. Are we gonna spilt heirs here?

Thankfully, the win streak came to a halt last week in Wisconsin. And now, just about everything I predicted looks to be about right. I still think Michigan will beat Ohio State on Saturday. They will get their fans all hyped only to get crushed by USC or another PAC-10 team, yet again. Yes, these are all obvious things that are going to happen. And as a side bar to all of this is that Lloyd Carr is probably jumping or being forced to jump ship (more on that in just a second).

So, when it comes to Ohio State I might not have been quite dead on in my predictions. However, I did suggest it wouldn't exactly be an easy season for the Buckeye's. Oh wait, that didn't quite turn out accordingly either. Regardless, I've done my best all season long to point out the fact that they would lose at least two games this season. Mission accomplished, maybe. Anyhow, Michigan and Ohio State fans just remind of those fucking pricks that attach cell phones to their bet buckles. Maybe it's just me, but that shit just irks the shit out of me. Well, enough about me, here are some of the obvious items of note going into the "showdown."

Neither team is as good as we thought.
Pre-season it was Michigan or bust. Then came the gag job and our attention was diverted to Ohio State. Overrated in every sense of the word. Yet, somebody has to volunteer to get their ass whipped in Rose Bowl...right?

The Big 10 Stinks.
In case you've been living in another dimension, the Big 10 is garbage. Not really any other way to spell it out other than the fact that the players are a step slower and it's just not the DOMINANT conference most people would like to believe it is.

Lloyd Carr is upstaging the game.
He IS going to retire. Enough with the fucking shenanigans already Lloyd. Nobody really cares. Do you know why? Because you took a prominent program and made them vulnerable again. You went into every single season with expectations of the National Championship. Yet, somehow your season's have played out like a broken fucking record. Douche and move on Ann Arbor.

Brent Musberger is ejaculating to this game.
Alone in some hotel room in Ann Arbor Brent Musberger just ejaculated all over his TV. And it wasn't because the wind caught Erin Andrews hair at the Arizona game. Nope. It's solely for the fact that he gets to call Ohio State/Michigan and add the final level of hype.

Hopefully, it's regional coverage.
Because, let's be honest -- I'd much rather watch Michigan State.

(Originally published 11/16)