THROWING KNIVES: DOWN WITH PURPLE JESUS

by BD, Staff Writer

(Yesterday, one man and one man alone ruined my day. Not because I'm a Chargers fan, but for many other reasons. Below is my letter to 'Purple Jesus' Adrian Peterson. Feel free to ogle my MS Paint skills below.)

Down With Purple Jesus: An Open Letter To Adrian Peterson

PJ I was ready. I was ready to bow to all that you represent. I was ready to anoint you the best back in football before falling into depression, but I just can't do it. I demand vengeance and I must have it. I deserve it, I want all that you've taken from me back and I want it now.

You see PJ, earlier this season when you went off and single handedly cost me a fantasy match up it was ok, I could deal with it. It was only one game. I wouldn't add you to my "List Of People To Kill" just because of one game. Every rookie deserves their day I figured. I'd take a sip of the kool-aid along with all the others. After all you'd probably break your leg soon anyway given your injury history.

Yesterday I placed a relatively large bet on the Chargers. I was confident you'd remain in check while Tavaris Jackson hurled interceptions and I thought of things to purchase with the incoming cash. Not only that, but your poor fantasy day would also net me a win as I faced off with the same team you notched the win for last time. It was going to be a fantastic day of football for me. All I needed was for you to get hurt, or even maintain the previous week's stats and all would be fine.

Obviously none of that happened, nope. You decided yesterday would be the day that BD payed for his sins. For not believing in you, or any other Jesus for that matter. I was going to get mine.

You started by making sure Laveranues Coles and Frank Gore wouldn't be playing and that Rudi Johnson was unstartable (not a word, I know). Thus limiting me to Lamont Jordan with Jacobs on bye. Then you figured you might as well telepathically convince me to bet the house on San Diego as you yourself would be face f#$%#%g them. Would that be enough though? Of course not, the Pats wouldn't be allowed to cover, either. To throw me off your tail you'd be letting my Lions absolutely rape the Broncos. Something that would have seemed impossible this preseason.

It doesn't matter anyway does it Adrian? I know what your up to next. I've managed to decode your secret telekinetic messages. Not that it was hard. Considering the thoughts trickled in like this: pizza-vagina-pizza-vagina-beer-356-Lions-vagina-It'd be cool to fly-week 13-vagina-superbowl-pizza-beer-vagina-Vikings-vagina. I know, you're surprised I figured it out. You definitely made it tough. I'll give you that, but you got sloppy in the end. I have no interest in flying, but rather being some kind of leach like Peter's character on Heroes. So I could absolutely own everyone that tries to... dammit get out of my head.

I ask now that in your infinite wisdom (as some say you have) that you return my money in the form of 16 autographed footballs (or a check). In return I will remove you from my list. If this request is not processed the following will take place: You will remain on the list, a list I do not check twice. I will bring the devil to Minnesota week 13 to keep you in check and I'll sell my soul to him in return for the demise of your knee and career. If that doesn't work out I'll pay Shaun Rogers to eat you.

The choice is your PJ and yours alone. I know you'll make the right one.

This Weekend In Sports...

Jesus Isn't A Chargers Fan
Adrian Peterson broke the single game rushing record with 296 yards and 3 TD's against the Chargers.

Cromartie Gets His Own Record
With his 109-yard FG return for a TD.

BC Predictably Falls
We all knew they would at some point, but to FSU? Alrighty.

Marshawn Lynch Is Not Amused
PJ get's all the hype, but Lynch had 153 yards and a TD of his own yesterday.

Darren McFadden Next Instant Star RB?
South Carolina certainly think so as he torched them for 323 yards on Saturday.

Oregon And LSU Are Michigan Fans
As they'll need a UM win over OSU to close the season if we're to get the match up we want. Otherwise it could be another bloodbath with LSU rolling up the Buckeyes ala Florida.

Revisiting Expectations
Pats Cover the 5 At Indy. - Lucky to win at all.
Oregon hands ASU their first loss. - Yessir/Ma'am.
Oho State rolls Wisconsin by at least 10. - Easy.
Neither Miami or St. Louis lose for one week only, as they both have byes. - Obviously.
The Browns add to the Seahawks woes. Entire NFC West subsequently DQ'd from playoff contention. - A yes on the first part. Still waiting for a ruling on #2.
The Knicks start the season 1-0 (@Cleveland). - Close, they lost by 4.
The Wizards start 0-2. - Were shellacked in Boston.