TOP 10 LEAST SURPRISING MLB OFF-SEASON HEADLINES

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. Curt Schilling signs with Boston. What a shocker, that a guy who probably could (and will) run for the Senate decides to stay in the same place for the low, low incentive-laden price of $8 to 14 million. How will the other teams on Curt's Magic List, none of whom seemed to have any interest in him, deal with the disappointment?

9. Greg Maddux wins his 17th Gold Glove. Isn't anyone else in the National League going to get bent out of shape over this? The best fielder in the 200+ of you is a guy who was pitching while many of you were in diapers. And you're telling me he fields the position better than all of you? There's a reason this is AAAA. We're all just lucky that Carlos Zambrano doesn't seem to care much about his fielding, otherwise there'd be someone playing the race card here.

8. Marlins listening to offers for Cabrera and Willis. Um, they are the Florida Freaking Marlins, a team that should really do its fan(s?) a service by selling jerseys with Velcro straps for the name and number. I am shocked, shocked to hear that they might just consider moving talented young players that could make money soon.

7. Jose Guillen is a roider (allegedly). You mean to tell me that a guy with severe anger management issues that has bounced around a bunch of organizations despite being able to swing the bat a little... CHEATED THE GAME with drug that probably made him hard to be around? Good thing I was sitting down for that one.

6. Don Mattingly and Larry Bowa are following Joe Torre to his next job. What, you thought someone else was going to employ either of these guys in any kind of meaningful role? It's OK, though, because I'm sure that both men have tons of current info on the National League. Just like Torre.

5. Grady Little got canned. And no, you really don't have to feel that bad if you didn't know where he was managing in the first place. His presence in LA just never had the same chance in the spotlight that his work in Boston did.

4. Scott Boras got A-Rod to opt out of contract, wants more money, and sounded like a freaking Bond villain in his recent New Yorker profile. Really, what were the odds?

3. Andy Pettite declines the Yankees offer. Probably because he's not sure that he wants to be away from his Very Special Friend Roger Clemens, and the Rocket Of Money can't tip his hand on where he'll be before the first half of next year, so that he can milk the "will He Or Won't He" stories for the sixth straight year. (Hey, media, don't you ever get tired of being played like a two -dollar hooker by the Rocket? No? OK, just asking.)

2. Tom Glavine isn't retiring. In that someone's probably going to give him $5 to $10 million next year in the hope that his completely empty tank will refill in the off-season... you were maybe expecting him to be happy with the final memory of him being his Bataan Death March to 300, or his final-game meltdown that sealed the Mets' doom?

1. Joel Zumaya got hurt in a freakish incident at his home. Because those "Guitar Hero" freakish injury incidents before were not warning enough that Senor Smoke is not exactly playing with a full deck?