TOP 10 WINNERS IN THE BONDS INDICTMENT

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. Pedro Gomez. Can stop living under a bridge for a little while at least, and that's big around Thanksgiving, really

9. Kimberly Bell, Bonds' ex-mistress. Regains her previous public social status as a slutty stripping two-bit gold digger, rather than a lying, slutty, stripping two-bit gold digger

8. Greg Anderson, Bonds' Trainer. Will finally have someone in prison with him who understands why he didn't squeal like a pig to the authorities

7. Scooter Libby. Finally has a snappy rejoinder for all of those mean people who tell him he's not a *real* criminal

6. OJ Simpson. The resulting lack of media attention from his current legal issues will be just the break he needs to Find The Real Killers

5. Scott Boras. Can claim that he does in fact have morals, from the fact that he no longer represents Bonds, and the PR firestorm around Bonds will prevent anyone from noticing that A-Rod didn't get a $300 million contract

4. Alex Rodriguez. Now has a final number and target to chase, since Barry will be in the hole rather than in the batter's box; also will have all of MLB rooting for him to break the record, assuming he doesn't start lighting children on fire in his spare time

3. Peter McGowan and Brian Sabean. Filled the yard and got a stadium out of Bonds' willingness to be the most infamous baseball player ever; once he's in the hole, they will no longer have to worry that he'll come back to haunt them on the field or garrote them in a roid-fueled rage

2. Bud Selig. His principled stand against Bonds has finally paid off -- oh, wait, he actually just kind of went along with it in a pathetically half-hearted manner? Whoops

1. The oft-abused concept of Justice for All, though All doesn't usually get to wait until they set a record before the hammer comes down