Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: TOP 13 NBA THIEVES


by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

No, not the players who lead the league in steals. I'm going more for the players who have shown us how to deliver less for more. May we all find opportunities in life to be this abundant -- and just remember, a year of any of these guys is more money than you will probably ever make in your whole life. Much, much, much more money.

13. Ben Wallace. $15.5 million a year for an energy player who has no energy, and who you can't play late in the game because he might be the worst free throw shooter in the history of the league. And this is a league that had Chris Dudley. Unlike the bigger thieves on this list, Ben at least gives you effort for the ransom.

12. Mike Bibby.
$13.5 million a year buys you a dreadful defensive shoot first, shoot often and shoot badly point guard who hasn't averaged more than 7 assists a year since they played basketball in Vancouver. (Yes, they once played basketball in Vancouver.) Those hot playoff series for the Kings against the Lakers were a long, long time ago. Plus, he's hurt! What's not to love here?

11. Shaquille O'Neal. 16 points and 7 boards a game is actually not so bad, but $20 million a year for a guy that rarely plays much more than half of the games isn't exactly smart shopping. There is also this: he is about as ownable, from a fantasy standpoint, as Eddy Curry. (Shudder.)

10. Jason Collins. $6.1 million a year for this guy? No wonder the Nets won't give Sean Williams the floor time he deserves. They are still trying to get their money's worth out of this oaf. Has anyone thought about organ harvesting?

9. Malik Rose. $7.1 million a year to never play, but on the Knicks, that still means you feel better about yourself than Jerome James ($5.8 million). Just to put this into perspective, Rose and James combined make just a little less than Vince Carter, Chris Bosh and LeBron James. But they do deliver 5 points and 4 boards. Combined. Per game.

8. Erick Dampier. The less useful half of a platoon that has DeSagna Diop makes $8.5 million this year, but that's OK. His contract only goes for three more years and $33 million after this one. You were maybe expecting more for 3 points and 5 boards a night?

7. Kenyon Martin. The Angry Yellow Man has $60 million to go on his deal, and about 60 minutes left in his knees. Even healthy -- and when you look at his career record, he almost never was -- there was no way that a guy who was never better than 17 and 9 deserved this kind of jack.

6. Darius Miles. Is he even still coming by to pick up the paychecks, or is this all done by direct deposit now? The good times roll for another three years and $26 million dollars. On the plus side, you have to think that money is being spread through the community, a dime bag at a time... and it's Paul Allen's money, and Paul Allen makes Miles look like a Mensa member. We're sure that the year-long knee rehab has been epic in its devotion. And that it smells like Funyuns. Lots and lots of Funyuns.

5. Adonal Foyle. Three more years and $30 million more dollars for the undersized and undertalented Foyle, who has parlayed good interview skills and the worst BO in the league to one of the most improbably 11-year careers ever. Career highs: 6 points and 7 boards a game. In 2000.

4. Boris Diaw. The Fat Frenchie turned one good year into five more very lucrative ones, with $9 million a year filling his piehole with, well, pies. His inclusion on this list has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I reached for him in my roto league last year. Or the fact that "Le Diaw" is French for how shall you say, Bag Of the Douche.

3. Stephon Marbury. Yes, yes, yes, we know, he's shooting the ball wonderfully now! The Knicks beat the Jazz the other day, so everything is forgiven! He's trying and everything on defense! And all for the low, low price of over $20 million a year? Only in New York. It's like winning the lottery, only with less hard work.

2. Michael Finley. Over $21 million a year because Mark Cuban loved him SO MUCH back in the day. That buys you a 35% shooter whose main purpose on the court is to keep Manu Ginobili from playing too many minutes. But on the plus side for the Spurs, it's still Cube's money.

1. Steve Francis. Starchild's one-time running mate can't even get Rafer Alston and Mike James off the floor in Houston. But when your wallet is holding over $16 million a year in checks, with another $17 million coming next year, you can see how the bench is tough to leave. But give this up for him: with a line of 7-2-2, he delivers many categories of suck.

Add your own thieves in the comments, and then renegotiate your contract...

9 comment(s):

Mac G said...

Is Austin Croshere still making 10 mil a year to suck?

Jerome James still is overweight with a fat wallet too.

Maganoo said...


Blair said...


Anonymous said...

I don't know where you got your numbers from, but Adonal Foyle's career high in both points and rebounds is 20. He's bad, but not that bad.

Michael said...

Chris Webber is still getting checks from Philly, for God's sake. $19,000,000 to think about an extended Greek vacation. Undeniably #1 on this list.

DMtShooter said...

The numbers cited for Adonal Foyle were his averages from the 2000 season.

DMtShooter said...

CWebb was on my radar, but his thievery will end after this year, whereas most of these guys will keep stealing for years to come. But he's got a case, especially for dogging his way out of Philly.

Anonymous said...

How did you forget Kwame Brown?

Anonymous said...


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