YOU KNOW WHAT AMERICA NEEDS?

by Andrew, The Grand National Championships

I know what America needs. You may not agree with me, but that doesn't matter. You aren't special. I'm special.

I know what America needs.

And now you're saying, okay idiot, tell me what America needs? And I will, but first, let me tell you a story about a man. He had an idea. And this was long before YouTube.

"What if we take crazy home videos and award cash prizes for the winner?"

He was Vin Di Bona, and he created America's Funniest Home Videos. And quite frankly, if you'll allow me to put on my Stephen A. Smith hat, it was the Jackie Robinson of nutshot based programming. (EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT!) Sorry...let's circle on back to the reason why I'm here. The elixir for an ailing nation.

America needs to take the nutshot to the next level. Its run its course in pop culture. Granted, it is still muy hilario. But YouTube has dried up the comedy well of the nutshot.

Thus? We need a kitsch superhero. Fighting crime and righting wrongs with only a laser, rocket arm, and a well honed sense of comedy. Imagine your local corrupt politician cast asunder by a football to the nuts.

Glorious. Simply glorious.

But who, Andrew? Who would be the prime candidate with both the laser rocket arm and the well-honed sense of humor to save the world? Peyton Manning?

Well, yes. But he costs too much money! I have the cost-effective solution. His name? Gregory Lynn Burr.

For you see? The ex-Basketball coach has been set up! He is only using passes to the nuts to teach kids life lessons about drugs being a one way ticket to nowhere!! And if you can't laugh while teaching kids life lessons about staying in school? THEN THIS IS NOT AMERICA!!!!

THIS IS NOT AMERICA.

This...is tragedy.