BECOMING A BETTER YOU

by Rupert, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

The world of professional sports is not everything it seems. One minute it's fast cars and fast women, the next it's paparazzi, illegitimate children, and pesky bloggers. It's not always all it's cracked up to be. Day after day, we hear stories about our favorite athletes falling on hard times, but as usual, we are here to help. We have searched high and low to provide some of today's troubled sports professionals recommendations for self help books that will help them get through their hard times. Hope it helps, guys.

Scott Boras - Persuasion: The Art of Getting What You Want

Don't fret, Scott. Just because A-Rod left you waiting to pay the tab at Dave & Buster's while he sneaked away to make a deal with the Steinbrenners, this book will sharpen those once keen negotiating skills and get you back up to snuff. Just remember, "If this [points to heart] is empty, this [points to head] doesn't matter."

Ricky Williams - Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing

1) Take an empty two liter bottle and cut in half
2) Fill the bathtub with water
3) Poke a hole in the cap of the bottle, take the slide from your bong, carefully install it in the cap and pack it with herb
4) Submerge the two liter, light the herb, and slowly lift the bottle up out of the eater (stop before it completely leaves the water though).
5) Remove the cap, place your mouth on the cap, lift the bottle from the water, and inhale.

Lloyd Carr - How to Stop Worrying and Start Living

Lloyd, this is your key to a relaxing retirement. Buy yourself a nice bass boat, some Miller High Life, and some Bob Marley. You won't even remember the meaning of the word "hot seat."

Marvin Lewis - How to Find the Best Lawyers

Look, some things are certain: KFC gives you gas; Taco Bell gives you diarrhea; and the Cincinnati Bengals will always get arrested. I believe the tally was nine arrests in past two years last I checked. Well, just like a wise man takes Imodium AD before a trip to Taco Bell, it's time to start thinking about preventative maintenance, coach.

Matt Millen - How an Idiot Writes a Self-Help Book

Lose three more games this season and I'll buy you this book. Let's face it, Matt. If the Lions blow a 6-2 start and come up short of even a wild card bid, you are going to be in the market for a career change.

John Edward Thomas Moynahan - Happy to Be Me (A Kid's Book about Self-Esteem)

Don't worry, John. The kids are just picking on you, because nobody likes teams from Boston. By the time you are 5, you will have played both "pacifier" with Suri Cruise and "John's In Charge" with Kalyn Baio.

Mike Williams - Get Out of Your Own Way

You have two choices, Mike. It's either sign on as the door man at the 40-40 Club or stop making sweet love to Little Debbie. This book should help you on that uphill battle to lose the love handles, but in the meantime, you might consider learning how to block, because I see Tight End in your immediate future.

Suzy Kolber - Don't Just Sit There: A True Account of a Frightening Experience and a Self-Help Book for Women

If a drunk Joe Namath professing his desires to you on the air during the Super Bowl doesn't classify as a frightening experience, I don't know what does. Not to mention, she had to work the Monday Night game this week, which ended in a 3-0 human highlight reel. Suzy, reading this might do you some good after all you've been through. I'm not so sure what this book is advocating with that knife though, so you didn't hear it from me..

Eli Manning - Awaken the Giant Within

It's about time to stick it to all the naysayers and show everyone that you can lead this team. If Tony Robbins can turn Lothar of the Hillpeople into Gwenyth Paltrow, surely he can make you a better passer... Or if nothing else, at least tell Tiki Barber to quit yapping.

Lawrence Phillips - Anger Management for Dummies

How about that blast from the past? Lawrence Phillips is one of the greatest collegiate running backs of the generation. Remember Nebraska? Well, if they would have only got a hold of this book, everything would have been different. Phillips would be a star, players would still go to Nebraska, the trophy room would be full of national championships, and they might even have a coach. Always known for his anger issues, Phillips tried to run over three teenagers in his car over a pickup football game, has been charged with child abuse, and recently stood trial for seven counts of assault with a deadly weapon. So it goes.

(Originally published 11/28)