THE BIOGRAPHY OF TIMOTHY DUNCAN

by Liston, Introducing Liston

TIMOTHY DUNCAN
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So basically, my dad is like, the foremost expert on Tim Duncan and stuff. You see, they were best friends or whatever and now my dad knows all about him. But not best friends like where they hung out and knew each other and stuff, more like best friends where Tim never really knew about my dad but my dad thought about and talked about Tim Duncan all the time and wore his jersey to my grandma's funeral even though it totally pissed everyone off but my dad was like, "Whatever, dudes. It's the playoffs." Best friends like that. And since I got banned from Wikipedia (probably because I make out with 50 hot chicks all day) I figured I would post the real biography of Timothy Duncan here.

Biography
Early Life: Tim Duncan's early life was like anyone else's. His mom was a super robot sent back in time to play basketball and his dad was a cloud of thunder and lightning. At first, he was real good at swimming but then this wizard or something told him, "Hey. What's up, homie? Play basketball." Tim stopped swimming because that wizard told him to and when a wizard says to do something you frigg'n do it.

College Life: After that fateful day with the wizard Tim got so good at basketball. Like, real good. You know how when you look at porn on your home computer when your mom or wife goes to the grocery store and then afterwards you try real hard to make sure you get rid of all the evidence? That's how hard Tim was practicing at hoops and he was doing it like, at least twice a week. Imagine that. Also, he was playing the saxophone a lot too, but then that wizard showed up again and was like, "I thought I told you to only play basketball?" and then Tim was like, "No, you told me don't swim." and the wizard was like, "Don't get smart." and Tim was like, "I'm not getting smart, I been smart." and the wizard was like, "Oh, you're a funny guy? Well, I got a joke for you. This guy walks into a bar... you're grounded for two weeks." and I was like, "Awww, mom. That's not fair!" and then she was like, "Tough cookies, Liston."

The Pros: So Tim got drafted by the greatest team of all teams, the San Antonio Spurs and it was so sweet. He was with The Admiral and The Ninja and then he did some commercials for H-E-B. He wanted to win a championship real bad, so then he did. One game he was playing against Shaquille O'Neal (his arch rival- the Mumm-Ra to his Lion O) and there were like 50 Shaqs and he still won because he practiced so much and was so good. My dad said he was the only who got to see the game because he had ordered the delux NBA League Pass that was only offered for that one day and he had to pay like $1000 for it but it was totally worth it. After that he won a lot more championships and trophies. Then once during the playoffs the Spurs were losing to the Lakers by one with just a few seconds left so my dad said he was going to call Tim Duncan and he went into the backyard and called him. (I didn't see the phone but my dad said it was because Tim gave him a special phone that you can only see if you're heart is pure and my heart isn't pure because my mom makes "eyes" at this guy at the grocery and I "let" her so it's my fault.) Then, on the next play, Tim made a fade away over Shaq from the top of the key and my dad went nuts, then Derek Fisher made a shot and my dad started crying a lot. It was weird. Later the Spurs won more championships.

The Lionosauras Rex: Once, this Lionosauras Rex broke into his home island of St. Croix and all the islanders were too scared to do anything. All of them except one; Tim Duncan. Tim Duncan had to fight the Lionosauras Rex to defend the honor of his family so he did. And he beat him. Standard stuff, really. He also likes Renaissance Fairs and Dungeons and Dragons.

References:

1. My dad
2. Me
3. My cousin Sid

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(Originally published 11/19)