GLADIATORS READY...

by Tony Riazzi, Rivalfish

As I grow older, I long for a simpler time in my life. A time when I looked like this and had no idea why my petrified genitalia should be of any interest to me. The year was 1989- the Cold War was beginning to thaw, the GameBoy was teaching us geometry and childhood obesity was only a problem in Mississippi. Everything was simpler back then, even TV.

But now, as the years I yearn for seem to be slipping further and further away, I start to ask questions: What ever happened to that time on television gone by when men were men and women looked and talked like men? A time when athletic superiority was decided by one's ability to command a tennis ball gun or steer themselves while enclosed in a large, metal ball? Is that part of my life lost and gone forever? Doesn't anyone else share these concerns? Thankfully, the answer is a resounding "probably," as NBC prepares to bring back "American Gladiators" on January 6th and in the process, restore my faith in mankind.

And although NBC is being tight lipped about the show's rebirth, I have little doubt that they will do the right thing and bring back the Gladiators and events that made the version of my youth so amazing on so many levels. As far as the Gladiators go, they should probably bring back the authentic Gladiator names, like Turbo, Gemini, Ice and Zap. If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that many of ancient Rome's most skilled and beloved lion fighters went by real tough-guy names like "Tower" and "Viper."

Producers would also be wise to find this guy wherever he's currently working as a "late 80s Patrick Swayze impersonator" and rehire him. And maybe bring back the ironically named deaf Gladiator, Siren. Even as a child I used to wonder if they named her that on purpose and, if so, did she know? As yet, there has been no confirmation on the reports that there will be a new Gladiator with a lazy eye named "Stu Scott."

In regard to events, you can bet your ass there will be "Joust" and "Assault." And I can only assume that, in order to promote maximum Gladiator/contender mid-air humping, they'll be bringing back "Hang Tough." Really, does anything scream "Gladiator" more than a muscular warrior wrapping his legs around an opponent and violently thrusting his crotch into them until they let go of their gymnastics ring?

Also, unlike many other sports, there is not one single documented instance of a Gladiator testing positive for a banned substance. That's good enough for me. I have it on good authority that Mike Adamle personally handled all the urine samples during the show's first incarnation. And now that Hulk Hogan is on board to host this version, I have little doubt that contestants will be taking nothing more than the Hulkster's advice to say their prayers and take their vitamins.

So take heart America, you'll soon have some true American heroes to cheer for again. Tired of wondering if your favorite athlete did steroids? Wonder no longer, they did. Now it's time to leave them behind and really throw our support behind some good, clean competitors this country can be proud of. God bless America, and God bless our Gladiators.