THE MICHIGAN JOB, NOT QUITE SEXY

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

Today's scene starts off in Michigan Athletic Director Bill Martin's office, where he's closely inspecting resumes to fill the the coaching void for their football team.

Bill Martin: (speaking to himself) Alright Bill, got a long day ahead of you. The good people of Michigan... no, the Big 10... wait, the World is relying on your decision here after today. I've got to make sure that the next coach has longevity, experience, and a knowledge of Michigan traditions. It's time to win championships here at Michigan, and the goodness starts at the top of the tits. (picks up phone) Jan... go ahead and send in the next in line please.

(door opens, in comes Ed Orgeron strapped with a trumpet, cymbals tied to his knees, a coo-coo clock on top of his head, and a large bass drum that reads "I AM AWESOME. MICHIGAN NEEDS AWESOME." Martin shields his ears as Orgeron blares away.)

Ed Orgeron: (stops playing) Yeah! High five buddy!

Martin: (checks to see if his lobes are bleeding) Ugh... maybe later sir, what's your name?

Orgeron: The name's Ed Orgeron, and I'm here to coach your team up and beat your fans!

Martin: (shocked and impressed by Orgeron's truthfulness) Excuse me? Did I just hear you say "beat our fans?"

Orgeron: You shuuuuuuuuure did boss man! How you expect to gain the respect of your fanbase if you don't put a little fear of God in 'em? You know, give 'em a few shots to the jaw. Remind 'em who's wearin' the headset?

Martin: We have a great and cordial fanbase, and they donate lots of money to the school. I don't believe beating them would make a difference and besides that's got nothi-

Orgeron: Oh c'mon, they're soft like Charlie Weis' man titties.

Martin: You are insane.

Orgeron: Yeah? And I haven't even got to the football part yet! (Starts bangin' the drums, trumpets)

Martin: (yelling over the music) Mr. Orgeron! We're done here!

Orgeron: (stops playing, disappointed) *sigh... I guess it's back to driving the clown car for me.

(He leaves, Martin readjusts his suit, asks Jan to send in the next in line. In comes a man in a dirty banana suit. It's Lloyd Carr)

Martin: Lloyd? What the hell happened to you? And why are you wearing a banana suit?

Lloyd Carr: Billy, (coughs)... it's dark and cold out there. I need to come back. (looks down at the banana suit) Fuck, I walked out of the house with the wrong coat on.

Martin: Right... Umm, I don't know if that's a good idea Lloyd. We're happy that you retired and we're not sure if you were leading down the road to National Championships like you used to.

Carr: Am I not a human being? Is winning all you Michiganeers care about? CAN'T I JUST HAVE KETCHUP WITH MY FRIES?

(Grabs Martin, looks him right in the eye. Martin is intimidated.)

Martin Lloyd! You're losing it man. You're not even making sense.

Carr: I haven't changed this diaper in four years Billy. I wanted dreadlocks when I was a kid.

Martin: CHRIST! Lloyd... please stop this. You're just rambling, this has nothing to do with football! You need to leave.

Carr: (puts Billy down, takes off his banana suit, he's naked) That's fine Billy. But I want you to see these scars. You GAVE me these scars.

Martin: (shielding his eyes) God, Lloyd, those are just wrinkles!

Carr: They're scars you fuck! I'm out of here! I've got a marathon to win.

(Carr runs out of the office, hands waving in the air and is screaming "I WON IN '97! I WON IN '97!". Martin looks down at his desks, opens up a drawer with a noose inside. He ties it to the ceiling, wraps his neck inside, and kicks the chair.)