Epic Carnival: THE REAL 'ROID REPORT FOR THE WEEK OF DEC. 16

by Gary Gaffney, MD, Steroid Nation

All others are fakes.

Last week the Mitchell Report dominated the sports world news. The NBA played games, the NHL skated periods, the college football season bowl seasons started, and the college basketball pre-conference games ran on to infinity... but who paid attention? The sports world talked a little NFL football-- New England Patriots mostly; but sports pages carried story upon story about the Mitchell report and the probe's aftermath. A very good analysis of the Mitchell Report can be found here at Findlaw.

As a general comment, the sport pages seem consumed with athlete's bad behavior. Go to ESPN's front page. Stories will discuss college athlete suspensions, and college coach's recruiting peccadilloes. Any number of NFL or NBA players will have been arrested, fined, and disciplined. Referees apparently now bet on games, hide their past felonious past, or make bad calls like a bar tender makes Mai Tais. Thus the fascination with drug-cheats seems to fit into the 'wanted posters' consistent with the sports pages devolution into muck.

Roger Clemens. Say that name again and again, because Clemens's name will saturate the sports pages from now until, five years following his retirement and eligibility for the Cooperstown Hall of Fame. Clemens's lawyer denies doping charges, charges that originate in eye witness, legally mandated testimony from trainer Brian McNamee. Apparently Clemens's boy Andy Pettitte felt the heat so much he admitted to doping with HGH, thus making Clemens's task of denying doping all the more daunting.

Other players and officials were not swinging at Clemens's curve balls. Texas high school baseball coaches apparently canceled Clemens plenary speech to the group entitled: "My vigorous workout, how I played so long (in professional baseball)." Too bad, it might have been fascinating to learn how Clemens stacked nandrolone, Sustanon, and HGH to prolong his career. ESPN piled on Clemens, canceling some commercial spots featuring the Rocket.

Pete Rose declared dopers like Clemens were "making a mockery of the game", as well as threw in a pitch to get himself on that tainted list of Cooperstown candidates. Curt Schilling first advised Clemens to sue everyone, then laid it on the line in his blog, "38 Pitches: "... his (Clemens's) career 192 wins and 3 Cy Youngs he won prior to 1997 were the end. From that point on the numbers were attained through using PED's. Just like I stated about Jose, if that is the case with Roger, the 4 Cy Youngs should go to the rightful winners and the numbers should go away if he cannot refute the accusations."

In the week following Mitchell, players dropped their drawers, er defenses, in a effort to inject some contriteness over their PED use. The above-mentioned Pettitte was joined by Brian Roberts (used only once but he didn't inhale), FP Santangelo, And Fernando Vina as confessors to PED use.

The fun and games continued into the week. Documents from Jason Grimsley came out in Arizona, adding to the MLB players outed as juicers: Sid Fernandez, Pete Rose Jr. and minor leaguers Ryan Schurman and Rick Holyfield in one affidavit ; Jose Canseco, Lenny Dykstra, Glenallen Hill, Geronimo Berroa, Chuck Knoblauch, David Segui, and Allen Watson highlight another. Grimsley also said Raffy Palmeiro and Pete Incaviglia, and Sammy Sosa chewed over greenies (amphetamines).

Let's save time and name those who DIDN'T JUICE. Even Mr. Met came under suspicion. However as Buster Olney asks, does it matter who gets caught doping? The big contracts continue to come the way of the drug cheats.

The week ended with the two biggest BALCO names in the bright lights again. Barry Bonds found himself in court to argue about lawyers as his ongoing saga was named story of the year by the AP. Marion Jones's doping charts and dope testing ledgers came out in a federal courtroom. Anyone wanting a 'paint-by-the-numbers' manual on how to beat dope testing should consult with the BALCO program.

This brings us up to date on the holiday doping season. We wish you all a wonderful holiday season; and remember, don't buy fake mail order HGH for the kids.