THE RUNDOWN: HE SURELY DID NOT MAKE THE LEAGUE PLAY-OFFS

by Davey, Blown Coverage

The Rundown is a weekly "gambling" column based on and inspired by the time I spent working at sports books.

With some fantasy football leagues already going to their play-offs next week (depending on the league size), I thought I'd drop the "gambling" angle for just 1 week and instead mock Peter King's fantasy football team again.

Now, why do I love torturing Tubby Maguire so much you ask? Because it's fun. Because it's necessary. Because no one else would voluntarily choose a name like this...

Team Name: Montclair Wombats

Yes, he actually called his team the "Montclair Wombats". I'm not making this up. I seriously couldn't make this up even if I wanted to. I guess the "Montclair Butterflies" or the "Montclair Fuzzy Animals That Will Make Little Children Giggle" were already taken.

Either way, let's see at how Fatty McButterpants faired with his draft back in August...

Round 1 (8 overall)
Marshawn Lynch, RB
Bills coordinator Steve Fairchild, a Mike Martz guy, sees Marshall Faulk in Lynch.

Too bad Fairchild didn't see that Brian Westbrook was available. Lynch is having a pretty solid season with 870 total yards and 6 Td's but he has missed the last 3 games and if you see the running back depth that Pillsbury Doughboy has, it becomes pretty brutal.

Who he could have picked : Brian Westbrook, Peyton Manning.

Yeah, he passed on Westbrook to take a rookie 8th overall. Peter King, picking 8th overall used that vital first pick on a rookie, while Westbrook is having a monster season so far with 1600 yards and 11 TD's...

Round 2 (17) Adrian Peterson, RB As you can see, I'm not afraid of drafting rookie running backs.

Props to Aunt Jemima here. Great pick but the fact that Peterson missed some time pretty much meant a losing streak for Big Ragu.

Round 3 (32) Jon Kitna, QB This is what I project for him in 2007: 4,467 yards, 25 touchdowns -- and 18 picks.

If Kitna picks up the pace over the last few games of the season, he'll finish close to those numbers. But he's fallen back down to earth after that hot start and the Lions are basically done.

Who he could have picked : Tony Romo, Reggie Wayne, Larry Fitzgerald, Antonio Gates.

Eh, I'll cut him some slack on this one. Could have been better, but could have been much worse. Decent pick by Chuck E. Cheese.

Round 4 (41) Lee Evans, WR Someday he'll have a 95-catch season with his good pal, quarterback J.P. Losman.

Lee Evans needs to be beaten with a cane. And Peter needs to be beaten with a rusty cane for actually thinking this. Expecting Lee Evans to have a 95-catch season is like expecting Chris Henry to be a good example for young children. You want it to happen, but it probably won't.

Who he could have picked : Plaxico Burress, T.O., T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Randy Moss.

Yeah, good thing he passed up on Owens and Moss to pick Lee Evans. That's the mark of a champion right there.

Round 5 (56) Tatum Bell, RB I'll be surprised if he doesn't gain 1,400 yards and score eight TDs in Detroit.

Tatum Bell : 5 games, 182 yards and 1 Td. This is the guy that Peter picked in round 5 folks.

Who he could have had : Romo, Hines Ward, Tony Gonzalez, Greg Jennings, Andre Johnson.

Let's see. Running back who's as durable as a crippled butterfly and who's a product of the Denver system...or Hines Ward???. Well, I'll take the fragile running back of course! It's not like I need a solid # 2 receiver in case Lee Evans decides to go live in a cave again....

Bonus points for expecting Tatum Bell to get 1400 yards in a Mike Martz offense where the run basically gets ignored.

Round 6 (65) Jason Witten, TE The best thing that ever happened to him: Jason Garrett's becoming a coach.

Touche Garfield. Much like the Adrian Peterson pick, I don't have much to say here.

Round 7 (80) Deion Branch, WR Seattle got fleeced in the trade, but I still think he'll catch 65 balls this year.

Branch has missed more games (4) than he has scored touchdowns this year (2). He could be the captain of this team based on that fact.

Round 8 (89) Jerricho Cotchery, WR He became Chad Pennington's target of choice as 2006 wore on.

Jerricho Cothery : 11 games, 1 Td. For those of you who are keeping score, Peter's top 3 receivers have combined for 5 touchdowns so far this year.

I'll remind you again that he passed up Reggie Wayne, T.O., Randy Moss, Hines Ward, Houshmandzadeh and Larry Fitzgerald in previous rounds. Moss and T.O. both have had 4 Td games this season. Better yet, Moss had a 4 Td half against Buffalo. That's as much as Evans and Branch have combined this entire season.

Round 9 (104) Jaguars D The best defense no one pays attention to. Ever hear of Bobby McCray?

SI's senior writer, telling us that no one pays attention to Jacksonville's defense. That's like saying that no one pays attention to Scarlet Johansson's tits.

Round 10 (113) Nate Kaeding, K The Chargers will be a top-three scoring team, and he'll succeed on 80% of his FG tries.

Why not wait a few more rounds before you take a kicker? You got 6 more picks to go...

Who he could have picked : Big Ben, Jay Cutler, Donte Stallworth.

Hey, I could take Big Ben in case Jon Kitna flops around like a dead fish. Nah, f*ck it, I'm taking a kicker!

Round 11 (128) Chad Pennington, QB Healthy, he'll throw for 3,000 and be a nice backup if Kitna blows up.

Actually, he threw for 1317 yards to go along with 9 Td's and 7 picks. He was benched after 7 games or so. What a keen eye for talent you have Colonel Sanders.

Round 12 (137) Anthony Gonzalez, WR Peyton's slot receiver always, always sees four or five chances a game.

Anthony Gonzalez : An average of 2.2 catches a game for a combined 334 yards and 0 Td's.

Who he could have picked : Gonzalez's teammate Dallas Clark. Peyton's 3rd option in the passing game and the current team leader with 9 Td's. Peter is the only one that would take Anthony Gonzalez (a rookie) over Dallas Clark..

Round 13 (152) DeDe Dorsey, RB The Colts' Joseph Addai insurance. And the team really likes him.

Wrong. The insurance is Kenton Keith. The Colts liked Dorsey so much that the released him right before the season started. Again, spiffy call by Count Chocula....

Round 14 (161) D.J. Hackett, WR Late in 2006, Hasselbeck looked to him more than any other Seattle wideout.

D.J. Hackett : 5 games, 343 yards and 3 touchdowns. Another guy that has missed more games than he has scores. The sad part is that Hackett has more Td's than all of his other wide receivers...

Round 15 (176) Sammy Morris, RB See DeDe Dorsey two rounds ago. Insert "Pats' Laurence Maroney insurance."

The Peter King curse striking again. Morris was off to a great start but he was done for the year after just 6 games. If you want to blame someone for that, blame Chester Cheetah over there.

Round 16 (185) Ted Ginn Jr., WR Poor man's Devin Hester, but with better receiving skills. Could score 10 TDs.

NO ONE thought that Ginn could score 10 Td's this year. He's got 2 Td's right now...should have 4 actually but still. NO ONE, not even Cam Cameron could have thought that this guy would get more than 5 Td's this season considering the circumstances.

So, we got 1 guy on injured reserve, 1 guy who was released before the season started, 2 guys that have been benched, 4 guys who have missed more games than they have found the endzone, 4 rookies, a kicker that was taken too high, 2 good picks and 2 solid picks.

Add those variables together and you get the recipe for weekly ass-reamings. The type of ass-reaming that would be illegal in Guam.