SIDESHOW ALLEY: LANCE BRIGGS WILL IMPREGNATE YOU THEN LEAVE

by Dr. C, Chicago Bull

BRIGGS IS ACCUSED OF NOT PAYING CHILD SUPPORT: On the cover of the Chicago Sun-Times today is a picture of his baby's mama, 21 yr. old Brittini Tribbett (who looks more like she's 42), who claims that the Linebacker/Extreme Stunt Driver has only provided her with $250 bucks per week for the past couple months (out of his $7.5 mil salary this year). This has her sharing her room with her baby at her mom's house while Lance is out pulling repeat performances, as two more women are now claiming their kids are his too. At this rate, Lance should be lapping Travis Henry for illegitimate kids any time. First, Urlacher wouldn't pay the bills, now it's Briggs. What is it with Bears linebackers and their credo to never pull out of a "play"? How hard is it to keep condoms on you? A word to the wise, Hunter Hillenmeyer, don't be a fool, wrap your tool.

WESTBROOK FALLS ON THE GOAL LINE INSTEAD OF SCORING: While my pitiful fantasy team choked in the last game of season and fell short (damn you Reggie Bush and your fumbling ways), I'm sure there were many fantasy owners whose jaws dropped yesterday at the end of the Cowboys-Eagles game when Westbrook broke out a 20-some yard run and kneeled at the one yard line. A couple things struck me immediately: 1. That could be the most unselfish play in the NFL I've ever seen. 2. There are several people screaming at their TV right now 3. I hate you DirecTV for messing up my local stations all day, thus leaving me without football all day. So if you have Westbrook, I gotta ask you: are you pissed off at him? Did you benefit from him not scoring? If I had him I would undoubtedly be pissed. But since I don't, hat's off to you. Even if your season is all but over.

DAVID GARRARD IS COURTING CARMEN SAN DIEGO: Either that or he wants to be the black version of Dick Tracy. I really don't get the look he's trying to achieve. Are you going out for clues as to the disappearance of Bryon Leftwich? Are you using the fucking gadget copter on your way back to Jacksonville? I sat laughing in disbelief as I watched the press game conference on ESPNNEWS. I totally wanted to hear someone ask him about Indianapolis so he could reply YOWZERS.

DAMN YOU BALTIMORE RAVENS: First you blow the chance to end the Pats' winning streak, and now you let the Dolphins win. It was a sad day for everyone outside of South Florida.

BUFFALO BILLS END UP IN THE DITCH: There are only a few things worse then getting shut out in Cleveland. Being there any second longer then you have to is one. Having your team plane skid off the runway is another. After being stuck in the Mistake by the Lake for the night, the BOEING 767 made too wide of a turn and ended up in the mud going nowhere (Romeo Crennel can certainly relate after too much food). Question: Why the hell are you trying to fly in that terrible weather when it's only a three hour drive to Buffalo?

FINALLY, Nick Saban's agent has already contacted West Virginia about the opening now that Rich Rodriguez is heading to Michigan. Saban, coming to a college town near you! Honestly, this guy is biggest prick coaching right now. What a scum bag.

And in closing, my new favorite sports icon is none other then the World Anti-Doping Agency President Dick Pound. I mean seriously... DICK POUND, best... name... ever.