STEROIDS MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER... INCLUDING ICE CREAM

by T, The Angry T

Finally someone with some sense is weighing in on baseball’s steroid controversy. Pete “The Voice of Reason” Rose has denounced steroid use and proclaimed that the players using steroids are “making a mockery of the game.” After stopping for several minutes to contemplate the hypocrisy of that statement, I read on and found that Pete was not finished running his mouth. When asked what he could have done if steroids were prevalent in his days, “I would have got 5,000 hits.”

Well, Pete’s crazy old man statement led me to think about other sports accomplishments that could have been bested with the aid of steroids.

Wilt Chamberlain Banging 10,000 Women – With the help of steroids, there is no doubt that Wilt could have banged 30,000 or 40,000 women. In my experience, a steroid laden penis is one of the most desirable male attributes in a woman’s eyes. There is no need to worry about a condom when you take copious amounts of stanizol; your testicles will have retracted into your body and taken up residence somewhere around your small intestine.

Cincinnati Bengals Nine Arrests in Nine Months – Two words: 'Roid Rage. With the use of performance enhancing drugs these Bengals could have gotten out of the crime kiddie pool and dove head first into the deep end with some extortion, or racketeering or maybe a manslaughter or two. Other crime syndicates have been talking shit about Bengals for years, steroids might be the way to kick it up a notch.

Professional Wrestlers Physique – Professional wrestlers have long been looked down upon as tiny and weak. With the help of steroids, these pussies could finally get buff and earn the respect of the other professional sports.

Scott Skiles' 30 Assists in a Game – How any many would even dare to play in the NBA looking like this is beyond me. In fact, I defy you to show me a player in the NBA who is balding with a comb over. Nonetheless, this guy owns the assist record for a single game and was also a 100 percent three-point shooter in NBA Jam for the Sega Genesis video game console. With the help of an HGH martini on the rocks, Skiles could have been a Hall of Famer and may have dished out about 45 assists in that game.

Lou Gehrig's 2,130 Consecutive Games Played Streak – No studies have shown that ALS, or Lou Gehrig’s disease is completely unaffected by anabolic performance enhancing steroids... yet. Everyone is leading us to believe that steroids enhance your playing ability to the point that the playing field is no longer level. (See: Fernando Vina.) I have to believe that Lou could have played around 3,500 games in a row with the help of performance enhancing drugs, making Cal Ripken memorable only because Kevin Costner had sex with his wife.