TALE OF THE TAPE: ELI VS. REX

by Tbone, The Sports Hernia

Screw the Packers and Cowboys, everyone was just too embarrassed to admit that all they thought about this week was the Giants/Bears showdown, headlined by two quarterbacks absolutely jazzed to be in the spotlight, Peyton's brother and Sweetchuck's nephew.

Here's all you need to know about Sunday's barf 'n gag QB match-up at Solder Field.

Yeeeah, better wear a poncho for this one, and not because of the rain.

Accuracy
Edge: The 40-year-old playing catch with his son in the South Lot

Toughness
Edge: Anyone sitting through this assman rodeo in the freezing temps

Mental Toughness
Edge: Spalding Smails

Body Language
Edge: Scott Norwood

Leadership
Edge: Jeff George

Poise
Edge: Squirrel in the middle of a 5-lane highway during rush hour

Footwork
Edge: This monkey

Fan Support
Edge: Hitler

Hair
Edge: Lloyd Christmas

Fumbling skills
Edge: Rexie, he has Eli beat by 1

Public Enemy
Edge: Jeff Feagles for not punting to Hester

Sideline presence
Edge: Even - J. Load's mammoth stature ties with Orton's witness-protection beard

(Originally published 11/28)