Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: TOP 20 SPORTS TALK RADIO CALLERS (FIRST OF A 2-PART SERIES)


by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Special thanks to the Five Tool Ninja and The Truth for contributing to this list. They are first-time contributors, long-time readers...

20. Tin Foil Hat Guy.
"I'm not a conspiracy theorist or anything... but do you notice how the refs give the Patriots every call, the ball always bounces back to Tony Romo when he fumbles, and Brett Favre has never been busted for anti-aging serum, when everyone knows he's injecting the blood of young boys routinely? We're through the looking glass, people..."

The sports equivalent of the Grassy Knoll enthusiast. Ever since the Tim Donaghy incident, doesn't seem quite so crazy.

Advantage: More entertaining than most.

Disadvantage: Listen long enough, and you become him.

19. Self-Lover. "Hey, this is The Manimal, busting out a call from the tricked-out Camaro Cherry Poptart. Can you tell me why Shaq Fu -- I like to call him Shaquify when he's on his game, and Shashequa when he's not -- isn't getting..."

No one cares what your nickname is, or what you call anyone else. Sorry, let me correct myself. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE cares what your nickname is. (Berman, this goes for you, too.)

Advantage: When he dies, he'll die alone, unmourned, and unloved. And the sun will shine, and the birds will sing, and ice cream will taste just a little sweeter...

Disadvantage: That day is a long way away.

18. Homeless Homer. "You home town fans make me laugh. I've lived in this area all my life and been a fan of Hated Rival, and you people have no idea what you are talking about."

Really, he's been here his whole life and doesn't root for the home team? You know, at some point, you have to take responsibility for your own douchebaggedness, really.

Advantage: Many people who do not watch WWE are unfamiliar with the phenomenon of cheap heat. It's educational, really.

Disadvantage: If Home Team loses, he procreates.

17. Real Sport Caller. "Hey, why don't you talk more about a *real* sport, like hockey? If people would just talk more about my favorite sport, it would be as popular as my least favorite sport..."

No, it wouldn't. You watch stuff that no one cares about. Stop trying to drag us down to your level.

Advantage: You might learn something.

Disadvantage: What you learn will be worthless.

16. That's Mister Old Coot To You. "You know, when I see Current Star Player, I'm reminded a lot of Ancient Player Who Also Played His Position..."

Well, that's nice, And we'll all be like him one day. But, um... no one cares.

Advantage: You might get a warm and fuzzy feeling from showing respect for your elders.

Disadvantage: That feeling may be sympathetic incontinence.

15. Hacky Gimmick. "Hey, it's your old pal Wacky McWackenheimer! I'm got another one of my Naughty Limericks / Weird Al Qaeda Song Parodies / Shakespearian Sonnets that you all love! Here goes..."

Yes, he dreams of getting a regular gig in sports talk radio -- and even a paid one -- from this. His friends think he's very, very talented. At least to his face.

Advantage: Will make your own attempts at comedy or entertainment seem much less harmless by comparison.

Disadvantage: You can smell the flop sweat from here. And the embarrassment from watching a fellow human degrade himself can be bad for your posture, since your spine will curdle as a response.

14. Homey Ebonics.
"Yo yo yo whassup dawg? I'm just chillin', listening to all the wack-ass smack that the other callers have been laying down. I don't mean to be a hater, but..."

Nostalgic for slang from ten years ago? Thirty seconds with this guy will take you back years. And seem to last decades!

Advantage: You are not the whitest guy in the world. This guy is.

Disadvantage: Listening to him may provoke a false sense of security.

13. The Covert Agenda. "I know that Star Wide Receiver is a talented player, but do you think he's got the character necessary to be part of a championship team? When I pray to Our Lord And Savior..."

Hoo boy. Here we go. Rest assured that the host is just as gun-shy as you are right now.

Advantage: Take some pride in your tolerance.

Disadvantage: Depending on your zip code, the audience may be more tolerant of him than you.

12. Pre-Drop Puke. "Hi, I'm just twelve years old, but your producer thought it would be cute if I asked a question. I'm reading something my dad probably wrote in a monotone, and I'll awkwardly hang on the phone for a really long time, with big silences. Like. This. One... Am I still on the air?"

Hey, it's somebody's kid! Aww, how... not cute. Just kind of obnoxious, really.

Advantage: You've spent how much time listening to bad adult callers? Equal time, really.

Disadvantage: Furthering the disease, really.

11. Token Hot Girl. "Hiiii!... I probably weigh about twice as much as you think I do, but I am the complete queen of this sausage fest because I've got a good voice and you are all very, very lonely. Your producer hits on me every time I call and puts me to the front of the line, and I'm going to spend a really long time to say next to nothing..."

Gosh, a girl! Quick, nobody say nothing, or we'll scare her away! Maybe she'll bring a friend and.. and... and... (finds paper bag, breathes into it)

Advantage: If she actually knows something about sports, it's freaking awesome.

Disadvantage: She's calling a sports talk radio show. What are the odds that she knows something about sports?

Tune in tomorrow for the top 10, and guess who will be in the top spot in the comments...

4 comment(s):

DCScrap said...

My guess: Homer McHomer

The Ghosts said...

I still can't believe Letterman hasn't called you. You bring the A game everyday. Beware though, if you go SCAB, those union writers might beat you with rocks and bricks.

Ryan said...

How about the long time listener, first time caller? "Hey man, love your show, and um... Go [home team]"

Or I'll hang up and listen guy "So.. Terrel Owens said something. What do you guys think? I'll hang up and listen"

DMtShooter said...

I could never leave Scrap. He beats me if he don't get his paper.

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