TOP 20 SPORTS TALK RADIO CALLERS (SECOND OF A 2-PART SERIES)

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Here's the thrilling conclusion to yesterday's list. But before we get into it, I'd just like to say I'm a first time, long time of the Carnival and a die-hard fan, and if it's OK, I'd like to wish my buddy Scrappy a happy ....

10. Eff Bomber. "I've just got one thing to say to Aging Star Quarterback... you ain't nothing but a mother fuc..." (radio silence)

Yes, he went there! And you could tell he was going to from the sheer hate in his voice. Eff Bomber always has this fun effect on your host, who will spend the next 30 minutes trembling over the mute button, because even with that delay over live talk, he really doesn't want to test the reflexes. Besides, Eff Bomber usually has friends.

Advantage: Well, he certainly can liven up the broadcast. You have to give him that.

Disadvantage: Eff Bomber usually has cousins, which can make the host have to actually carry the broadcast himself. That's rarely a good idea.

9. The Degenerate Gambler. "Hey, while I've got you on the phone... who do you like in the Monday night game? The home team is 6-1 as a favorite covering the spread at home under the lights in the last three years, but..."

Because nothing says competence at picking essentially random games than the opinions of a guy with a microphone. Besides, don't you know this is illegal, and hence, not at all popular?

Advantage: Like your ears didn't perk up at it. You know, for purely, um, entertainment purposes.

Disadvantage: No matter what, you will lose.

8. The Reader. "Thank you for taking my call. (Pause) Say, have you ever noticed how Star Wide Receiver whines after his team loses? (Pause) It makes me wonder what he's like during his home life. (Pause) I think it would be something like..."

Look, there's a medium for people who like to write their weak sports opinions. You're soaking in it. But going off the TelePrompter for a radio show, unless you are a gifted voice actor and experienced at writing for broadcast, is painful. For all of us.

Advantage: Makes all of the other callers look spontaneous by comparison.

Disadvantage: Life shouldn't really pass that slowly.

7. Mr. Short Term Memory, who also usually doubles as Joe Superfan. "WOO! WE WON! WE WON! I can't believe that we won, especially after we lost Starting Player and Big Star. You know what, I loved how the team rallied around Star Back-Up. I think they should deal Big Star for Ridiculous Return on Investment. BUT WOO! WHAT A WIN WHAT A WIN WHAT A WIN!!!"

Advantage: Well, he supports the home team. That's good, I suppose.

Disadvantage: Short term hearing loss. Long term brain damage.

6. Left Fielder. "Hey, I know we were talking about Massive Scandal That Has Dominated All Conversation, but I wanted to ask your opinion about Obscure Nonsense That No One's Heard Of. Also, can you reset what your opinion is about Two Weeks Old Story?"

Advantage: Has the chance of changing the subject from the story that's been beaten into the ground.

Disadvantage: ADD might be contagious.

5. Code Racist. "I might not be politically correct for saying this, but I just don't think that Star Black Guy Who Has No Past Indiscretions is really the kind of leader this team needs. I mean, where has this guy ever won, because I'm assuming that as a Black Fella, he's never won? This team needs someone more like Ancient White Guy Who Won A Long Time Ago..."

Advantage: There is a certain fascination in seeing how long he can dance on the wire, and if he can bring the host out with him to White Hood City.

Disadvantage: That fascination will make you want to shower afterwards.

4. The Lapdog. "Firstime longtime, man, I love your show. I tape it every night and replay it the next day, I've bookmarked your Web site, I use all of your catch phrases, I've committed your Web site to memory and I know that I'm your biggest fan, because I kill anyone who says that they are, instead of me..."

Advantage: Listen to the host's mix of flattery and revulsion. If it's too much towards the former, he's new at this

Disadvantage: Somehow, being a sports talk nerd really is even more sad than Star Trek Nerd, Metal Detector Nerd and D&D Nerd. (It's still ahead of the Furries, though.)

3. Failed Jock. "I can tell you from experience, when you take a hit like that, you're going to feel it for a week. But if you don't love it, you'll never make the pros."

Advantage: Hey, just because just about every failed jock on television is excruciating to listen to, doesn't mean this guy won't carry the mail! Let's give him a chance!

Disadvantage: If you haven't heard of him, he probably topped out in high school, so his incredible insight isn't all that incredible. IN short, he's more full of it than Roger Clemens claiming that he hasn't taken 'roids. And just as unlistenable as the rest in his sorry group.

2. Double Condom. "HIFirstTimeLongTimeAnd (radio feedback whine; host yells at him to turn his radio down...) Should I start over again? Oh God I'm so n-n-n-n-nerv.. um, am I still on the air? I turned off my radio, I can't tell, ohgod ohgod ohgod (hyperventilates)..."

Advantage: Makes every other caller feel good about themselves.

Disadvantage: Makes every other listener hurt themselves.

1. Jerky Troll. "Hey, thanks for taking my call. I've sold your producer on the idea that I've got an intelligent question or opinion to add to the conversation, but in reality, I'm actually a Super Secret Agent for some other media entity, or I'm going to reference some running lack of joke that makes the host hang up on callers. Anyway, it's time for me to pull my chute and say the magic words... CLICK"

Advantage: There's always the chance that this actually gets the host bent. Which is almost always good.

Disadvantage: Funny one, tiresome twice, unoriginal and a waste of time for the rest of your life after that.

Finally, if you are calling in, Dear Reader, rest assured that you are *not* on this list. Not even a little.

(See Part I here.)