10 THINGS FOR MIKE MARTZ TO DO NOW OTHER THAN ACT SMUG

by Tbone, The Sports Hernia

10. Rally the neighborhood troops together for a backyard game so he can finally run his dream "10-wide offense."

9. Admit that the name Marc Bulger has always turned him on.

8. Get rid of that uncomfortable Brian Dennehy-in-Rambo "I've got issues that run way deep" look.

7. Become an analyst for ESPN and add to the ensemble assman cast that is ruining all of our lives.

6. Call fellow offensive guru Brian Billick and tell him that his hair totally sucks.

5. Call Matt Millen and tell him that he and his mustache totally suck.

4. Go to another mediocre team where he can again play the exhilarating go-to scapegoat role.

3. Admit that he is indeed often confused for a lesbian.

2. Write a shitty book.

1. Confirm the suspicions of many Lions fans and reveal that William Clay Ford hasn't been alive for the past six years.