by Gary Gaffney, MD, Steroid Nation
"Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth." -Will Rogers
Four groups of entertainers took up steroids this week: athletes, musicians/rappers, insects, and congressmen. To add to the Will Rogers quote above: "We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can."
Entertainment first. World class pianist Tzimon Barto double parked outside his dealer's house, and one thing led to another. The pianist, arrested for cocaine, admits to steroid use too; apparently he needed to boost his bass.
Sylvester Stallone's ex-girlfriend claims that Rocky not only pumped himself full of juice, but pumped her up too -- with juice that is.
The Albany Times-Union broke a story that rappers use gear.
The names of R&B music star Mary J. Blige, along with rap artists 50 Cent, Timbaland and Wyclef Jean, and award-winning author and producer Tyler Perry, have emerged in an Albany-based investigation of steroids trafficking that has already rocked the professional sports world, according to confidential sources.
Rappers rhyming and roiding? What's next, someone suspecting those polite, pencil-necked geeks performing differential equations over on NBC's American Gladiators shooting nandrolone? Yep, as NBC announced they will dope-test the juiced-to-the-gills bodybuilders who perform as gladiators for the show.
Congress took up the PED/steroids issue this week. The juice flowed all over Capitol Hill, as Henry Waxman (D-CA) chaired hearings on 'roids. Waxman injected a bomb in his introductory remarks: he was calling for the investigation of poor old Miguel Tejada. On the same day Tejada's older brother fell victim in the Dominican Republic to a motor vehicle accident, the Astro's new shortstop learned he will be on the FBI's new wanted list.
Congressmen Betty McCollum of Minnesota blasted the MLB for allowing a doping conspiracy defrauding MLB fans; maybe she is just angry the Twins sucked last year. An editorial in the WaPo called Congressman Christopher Shays of Connecticut the House's "Yogi Berra" for frequent malapropisms. At least Shays doesn't say that Congress has no business in looking at the use of illegal highly-regulated performance enhancing drugs in a 6 billion dollar industry, played in tax-payer financed stadia as the WaPo does. As if that isn't ridiculous enough, writers (including the Miami Herald) now wish to rewrite the pharmacology textbooks by claiming anabolic steroids and HGH are as benign as taking a Smith Bros cough drop. Cough cough.
Congress also questioned the dynamic duo Don Fehr and Bud Selig; however San Francisco GM Brian Sabean looks to be the scapegoat here. Sabean didn't stand up to multi-millionaire superstar Barry Bonds who brought his steroid-supplying boy Greg Anderson into the Giants locker room to infect other Giant players. Sabean should have taken Ritalin to pay attention to the MLB rules, just like all the other players utilizing the TUEs (Therapeutic Use Exemption)
The Roger Clemens epic saga continues to be, well a saga that's epic. Clemens hired Bill Clinton's lawyer to look for steroid stains on Clemens's blue dress. Better launder that dress by next week, as Clemens, and his playmates Andy Pettitte, Brian MacNamee and Chuck Knoblauch will give fundamentally solid depositions to Congress. Jeff Van Gundy even got off a couple jokes at poor Rocket's expense.
A Marion Jones weeped to Oprah Winfrey, and Dana Stubblefield lied to investigators, a huge scandal infested China: doped crickets. Seems the Chinese use bug juice to give their favorite crickets an edge in cricket fights. Journalists all over the world claimed that there is no proof the bug juice gives the doped cricket a fighting advantage; furthermore pushing bug greenies is no different than performing bug lasik surgery. Enough to make you big-eyed.
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