BOLTS/PATS TO BE FULL OF HUGS, CANDY, AND RAINBOWS

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

FOXBORO, MASSACHUSETTS (AP) - For the AFC Championship game, expect a lot of cheers and nice, thoughtful signs when the San Diego Chargers take to the field this weekend against the Patriots. "We totally love those guys," said Patriots safety Rodney Harrison with a sincere smile. "I'd go out with Shawn Merriman any time or day. We could discuss our shared interests like uhh... needles... and juice... and football! Yay!". No questions about it, the Patriots and the Chargers get along. Ever since their playoff victory in last season's divisional round, the Patriots always look forward to seeing the Bolts, and the feeling is mutual.

"Tom Brady is my boy," spoke Chargers Linebacker Shawn Merriman in a press conference on Tuesday. "After our victory against the Colts last Sunday, he was the first person to call me up and wish me congrats. My mom isn't even on the ball like he is."

Fans and media outlets of these two franchises have the atmosphere of this game confused. Confrontation? Hatred? Arrogance? Those feelings/words will not describe what will happen on the field when these two teams meet. Need more proof? Just hear what Robert Kraft (Patriots Owner) has planned for the Chargers when they come to town.

"Each player will be greeted by one of Boston's very own 'clean' prostitutes, and before the game, each Charger starter will be announced and will ride in on a stallion-powered chariot as they enter from the locker room. My marketing officer also had an idea to paint the Chargers and Patriots logo midfield surround by a large red heart. Why red? Because we'll be painting the field vagina pink, of course. Don't want two colors to clash!" Kraft finished coyly.

Chargers Coach Norv Turner is relatively new to these customs since becoming the head coach earlier in the off-season. "They've got a lot of love to share between these guys. It's almost uncomfortable, especially since I'm a lesbian".

Regardless of the outcome following the game, the two teams plan to "swap saliva" midfield, and DVDs can be purchased via www.patriots.com shortly afterwards.