BROWN SAYS HE WANTS TO COACH SIXERS BY SAYING HE DOESN'T WANT TO COACH SIXERS

by Tbone, The Sports Hernia

Former everyone's coach and current Sixers executive VP Larry Brown was at it again Tuesday afternoon discussing all things basketball including Knicks spies at the Garden and a possible return to coaching. Always a man of his word, the trustworthy Brown expressed interest in another sideline gig but not in Philadelphia as it would affect the relationship between himself and current Sixer coach Mo Cheeks.

"I still want to coach," Brown said while mutilating a Cheeks beanie baby with a staple gun. "But I wouldn't want to stab Mo in the back, he's been a dear friend. And by dear friend, I mean I would only fire him and take over if it didn't look bad from a public relations perspective. And by P.R. perspective, I mean his record in Philly is suspect at this point -- the fans are caring less and less about his playing legacy, so much in fact that if it keeps up it would be easy to take over. I wouldn't be stabbing him in the back really, I would be relieving him of a difficult situation for him and his family."

Brown went on to explain that while he's just been kicking around the idea of a return, he did have some vague numbers in mind that he was wiling to toss around.

"I haven't thought about it much," he said while rocking back and forth like Bill Gates. "And when I say I haven't thought about it much, I mean 6 years and $42 million. That's guaranteed of course with the expectation that if I leave after the first year and take a front office job with some other club, I still get at least half of that, if not more. And I'd still be allowed to say 'aw shucks' and 'those kids' at my final press conference before leaving the team. Because when I say 'kids' when referring to my players, I sound genuine, ya know, like I give a crap and stuff."

Later, in a bizarre scene, Brown huddled with veteran Philly reporters Phil Jasner and Marcus Hayes, confessing that as his eyeglasses have gotten smaller and smaller over the years, he's gotten progressively stupider.