DEAR ANDY RODDICK

by Simon, SimonOnSports

Dear Andy Roddick,

Hey I just checked the news this morning and saw you disgraced American tennis yet again with an early grand slam exit. Dude you suck. Who the hell is Philipp Kohlschreiber? There's no way I would have been able to spell that if I hadn't just copied and pasted from your suck article I just read, nevermind actually knowing who the dude is. Did the neon green shirt the dude was wearing blind you? I mean atleast come up with some kind of excuse. Just say you were confused by the double p ending or the fact that every time you looked across the court you thought about the great deal on LaCoste apparel you can get at Kohls. Anything other than he beat me and I played well. That's piss poor.

I understand not beating Roger, nobody beats Roger. Well except for me, I beat him once this winter when we had our 3 city Asian Tour, but you know nobody other than me beats him. Anyway back to the story, it's ok if you lose to Roger in a tournament cause the only one that beats him is Raffy on clay. And that's cause he's probably juicing, seriously look at those guns, there has to be some OJ in there or somethin. But Kohlsshembeckler. What the hell. Why do you even bother showing up anymore?

At one point you were compared to me. What morons those people must feel like right now. I only sucked at the French Open, I never sucked anywhere else. You on the other hand lay eggs all the time.

Stop Disgracing America.

Your Superior Senior,
Pete Sampras

PS. Nice job with that Brooklyn Decker chick. I can look at that girls hooters for hours and hours. Can you guys make a sex tape, or atleast send me a few nudie photos when you get back to New York. Perhaps then I'll be your coach instead of that Connors loser. And teach you how to actually volley without sucking balls.

PPS. Aren't you glad that butch Mauresmo chick lost so we can focus on watching the cute tennis players play? I love me some Ivanovic.

PPPPS. Didn't that Kohlschembeckler guy get accused of throwing a match? Maybe that could be your excuse. You were trying to lose.