HOFFMAN POISED FOR HOPE CLASSIC, ROYAL RUMBLE

by Tbone, The Sports Hernia

Professional golfer and full-time Adonis Charley Hoffman met with the media Tuesday afternoon to discuss not only his upcoming title defense at the Bob Hope Classic but also his highly anticipated appearance at the Royal Rumble, taking place a week from this Sunday at Madison Square Garden.

Hoffman, standing just 6'0" tall and 200 lbs., absolutely hideous by wrestling standards, is still unclear what his purpose at the event will be but knows one thing's for sure -- it won't be a hair vs. hair match.

"Let's get it straight folks before this gets out of hand, I'm not taking any chances with one of those hair matches," he said as his locks blew in the soft breeze like the mane of a graceful horse. "I'm pretty wild, but I'm not stupid. If you ever saw what happened to Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake's opponents, you know where my head's at."

While hard to tell by his appearance, Hoffman is said to have been a huge wrestling fan growing up, closely following the careers of Barry Wyndham and Lex Luger.

"I always watched Barry Wyndham, never missed a match," said a reflective Hoffman. "It wasn't so much his dominance as a 12-time tag team champion, it was more about those feathery golden locks that separated him from the rest of the pack. I liked that. I'd like to think I carry that same presence on the course, ya know, instead of just looking like a goon who probably still watches wrestling. And that Luger guy? Hell, he had such a presence at times that I thought him and his majestic hair might jump through the TV."

Adding Hoffman's name to the card of the upcoming pay-per view is just another marketing ploy by Vince McMahon and his ongoing efforts to expand the scope of his audience. After nailing down 0.6% of the Apprentice's audience last year with Donald Trump's special appearance at WrestleMania, Mr. McMahon has moved onto the next obvious niche to capture which is clearly "people who watch golf."

This year's Royal Rumble is also reported to be the first WWE pay-per-view that will be broadcast in HD, meaning the real-life presence of Hoffman's hair will likely cause viewers to faint, get dizzy or hate themselves.