LIVE FROM THE HOSERDOME: AWAY, WITHOUT LEAFS, MISSING THIS HOCKEY SHTICK

by Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field

That's why they call Gary Bettman the Godfather; the trees are bare, but the Leafs blow; and as always, the Canadians are the last to get the joke.

This week's all-purpose transition is it's not lost on anyone ...

... that the day Bettman blew it last summer wasn't so bad for NHL commissioner Gary Bettman; it just sucked if you care about what's right for the sport. Picture the outcry if the commish of another sport helped sink the sale of one failing team, whose owner sold it to another buyer for less money and then became owner of a more attractive franchise.

This time last year, Craig Leopold owned the attendance-challenged Nashville Predators. Now he's owning the Minnesota Wild, who sell out every game and play in the State of Hockey (seriously, Minnesotans are it-getters when it comes to shinny in more ways than Canadians). The failing Predators are now owned by Boots Del Baggio, who bought the team from Leopold for $190 million, about $40 million less that Canadian Jim Balsillie wanted to pay. Of course, Balsillie (his company makes the BlackBerry) was trying to move the team to Southern Ontario, and we couldn't have a team moving to Canada.

Never mind that it might be better for the NHL in the States to have a couple teams move north. Americans might take hockey more seriously if it didn't consider Raleigh and Nashville major-league.

Anyways, Bettman has unquestioned power. No good can come from this.

... that since Mike Comrie of the Islanders and Hilary Duff are an item, you should be trying to get odds from Vegas on which NHL player Miley Cyrus will be dating come 2011.

... that since sports blogging is dead, that means it's passe to do comparisons between the sadsack Toronto Maple Leafs (banner-free since 1967!) and, say, the characters from Arrested Development. Granted, Leafs backup goalie Andrew Raycroft has a lot in common with Buster Bluth. He often gets the hook since he doesn't have a left (catching) hand anymore. Beyond that, the comparisons are unclear: We know for sure that Jiri Tlusty is not a Nevernude.

For the uninitiated, the Leafs are basically a cross between Big Oil and the Chicago Cubs. There's no getting away from them if you live in Ontario and like sports. Actually, scratch Big Oil. The Leafs are kind of like that Big 10 football program clinging to its last throes of relevance (oh, and best of luck of to Coach Rod at Michigan). You're forced to have to care about how they mighty have fallen.

Anyway, the most valuable franchise in the NHL, are second-last in the Eastern Conference and threatening to miss the playoffs for the third year in a row. Overmatched GM John Ferguson Jr. is dead in the water and rival coaches are even suggesting Paul Maurice is accumulating enough experience that he move into a line of work with even less stability -- White House press secretary.

One conspiracy theory is that the Leafs are tanking on purpose. For one, a bad season will help build the buzz for Mike Myers' summer comedy, The Love Guru, which is based on the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. The next NHL draft will be in Ottawa. If the Leafs have one of the first picks, that will be the main story. It would help remind Senators fans that when it comes to who gets priority in the media pecking order, the rest of Canada will always be Toronto's bitch -- even though Ottawa's team is much, much better.

... that it's wrong to call 16-year-old women's hockey phenom Marie-Philip Poulin the "female Sidney Crosby." Not because it puts too much pressure on her, but because as any Molson's-quaffing, multiple hockey pool-entering Canuck knows, the female Sidney Crosby is the actual Sidney Crosby.

... that the state-sponsored schlock MVP: The Secret Lives of Hockey Wives, debuted on Canada's public broadcaster, the CBC the same time slot as last week's episode of Friday Night Lights. No irony there.

We can sit there in all our hoser haughtiness toward the vast TV wasteland south of the border (hey, new season of American Idol!) but with FNL, at least someone in the States is trying to do a prime-time drama centred around sports that aspires to have some authenticity. Meantime, up here we get stuck with a nonspecific third-rate Footballer$ Wives rip-off that is supposed to be about a pro hockey team in 2008, yet you never see an agent, or a player who's European or French-Canadian. There are a few cuties, but no one who makes Minka Kelly or Connie Britton look like a train wreck.

Nevertheless, MVP (what does that even stand for?) is expected to be a big hit among female viewers. Tangentially, that confirms I am Sager, god of sex; I'm just in the wrong country. Hey, there is a reason that The Guess Who didn't write no song called Canadian Woman.

(Of course, that song was written long before Sarah Burke came along.)

... that with his 13-year, $124-million contract, Washington Capitals superstar Alex Ovechkin won't have to cut his own hair anymore.

... that this is the worst hockey sweater that didn't have a damn Duck on the chest.

... it's also the 50th anniversary this week of Willie O'Ree becoming the first black NHL player on Jan. 18, 1958 with the Boston Bruins. He only had one eye too.

Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.