MATCH.COM MONDAYS: WADE PHILLIPS

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

As we make our way through this world, we're all trying to do one thing... procreate. But sometimes, it's hard to find a partner who shares the same interests as you do. I'm all about love baby, so I'll be promoting the Match.com profiles of our favorite athletes/commentators/journalists. You never know, you the reader might find the love of your life!

This Week's Featured Profile: Wade Phillips!
Display Name: That_funky_smell_is_me_27
Status: Online now!

* age: 60
* seeking: A chili cheese dog that can read... this?
Relationships: Married, but I'm still hungry dammit!
Have kids: Two, but unfortunately they aren't edible OR magically delicious.
Ethnicity: Pale
Body type: Lovable Blue Whale
Height: Tall enough to down four Double Whoppers with cheese in one sitting.
Religion: Is optimism a choice?
Smoke: No
Drink: Pepsi MAX, Mountain Dew, Shower water

My Job:
Head coach for the Dallas Cowboys. The guys that have been dubbed as "America's Team" but now we're more like "America's Bitch". I lead this team to a #1 seed in the NFC, only to lose to one of our divisional rivals on Sunday, a team we dominated in the regular season. God damn I could go for some cheese fries and bacon right about now.

Favorite Hot Spots:
Hmmmm, this is tricky, because it only depends on what I'm feeling that day. When I want to go Chinese, I hit up the "Won-Ton: All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet" just down the house from Jerry Jones Winter mansion. Well, I used to go there anyways, before I devoured the guy bringing out the desert tray on "Loco Deal Wednesdays". It was an honest mistake. He looked so fucking delicious... I never understood the Mexican reference, however. Everyone once in a blue moon, you can catch me in the Cowboys training room. Motivating my players to not look like me.

For Fun:
Shit... I like setting burning crap bags in front of Mr. Jones office every once in a while. God, it's so darn funny. The expression on his face is just classic after he knows he just stomped on some flaming bear feces right in front of his office! He falls for it every-friggin-time. I'll put a video of it on Youtube sometime.

Favorite Things:
Golly... Halloween, 5-5-5 deals from Dominos (and now Pizza Hut!), $2 chili dogs, receiver route trees, asking for extra pickles (and gettin' it!), dreams when food talks to me, the regular season (which I r00l!), movies with talking food, pre-packaged chicken pot pies, bubble gum, sitting on the beach and imagining if it were an ocean of cheese instead of salt water, and the vending machines that just got relocated next to my desk (my raise).

Dislikes:
Crying babies, white hair, press conferences after a loss, Fucking Bill Parcells, the playoffs, and those people pressuring me to lose weight and talking about my image. Ya' know, maybe I'm trying to be a fatass on purpose to give all the biggies some dreams that they could make it out like me one day. Ever thought about that you lanky queefs?

Last Read:
FAT!SO? : Because You Don't Have to Apologize for Your Size by Marilynn Wann. She's probably huskie too.

About Me and Who I'm Looking For:
Well, I am married and I've got two kids. I'm just a happy-go-lucky guy just trying to have a good time and enjoy some cuisine along the way. I'm not lookin' for love... or atleast love from people. I'm looking for some internet-reading food. There's got to be something like that out there. With as much shit as we think up, can't we make some edible, robotic food?