SANDY BALLS: THE NATIONAL BEACH TENNIS ASSOCIATION INTERVIEW

by Tello Real, Rivalfish

What constitutes a professional sport? Getting paid to play it, right? Yep, and that's apparently all that is necessary for a seemingly in-shape man to approach a beach maiden and tell her he's a pro and not be lying. The men of the National Beach Tennis Association here in the states have been using such logic to catapult themselves from coaches and ex-ATP journeymen to pioneers in the most ridiculously brilliant professional sport to hit cleavage-soaked beaches since Ultimate Frisbee and Shark Fishing.

So take a beach volleyball net, put two dudes with tennis rackets on either side, grab a regulation ball, and play some badminton. But make sure you score it like tennis. That may be all it takes to become the next Phil Whitesell, former USC player, current College of Charleston coach, 2-time NBTA champ, and luckiest man in the history of the world. Rivalfish sat down with Phil and tried to keep a straight face. We couldn't, so thank God the interview was done over the phone.

Rivalfish: First of all, let me say that this is by far the most brilliant idea to date to warrant constant beachgoing and ogling of the opposite sex? Why do you play?

Phil Whitesell: Being 36-years old and having the opportunity to play a professional sport, bottom line. And chicks love it when guys dive; and I love to dive.

Why no stops in Chicago, Omaha, or even Kansas City?

We'd love to make a stop in Chicago. We're open to ideas regarding any new markets we can possibly find our way into. We'd especially love to show those Midwestern women what this sport is all about.

I notice that the 2007 rankings listed only five men's teams and two women's teams. Is that the entire league's roster? Being on the fourth best team in the nation isn't that cool if it means you're second to last place. Do you ever use that fact to taunt fellow competitors Rush Cole and Darryl Cummings?

There are actually about 50 to 100 teams, but I wouldn't call anyone a true "professional" unless they're making a living doing it. So, as a league, we're not quite at that level yet. We're acquiring some big-time sponsors and coming closer and closer. Within a year or two we'll have both guys and ladies able to support themselves through beach tennis.

You coach tennis at College of Charleston, a school rumored to only have a basketball program. Are the girls there as hot as they are portrayed on TV during March madness?

Have you ever been to Charleston I didn't think so. Both the quality and quantity of girls is impressive. There's a 6:1 girl-to-guy ratio. Some of the guys on the team like to say that out of every six girls, there's four hot ones, and even the two fat ones have hot faces. I think it's because the French settled down here in the South before us.

Yeah, there really is something to be said for 18-year-old girls. Anyway, have you guys stolen all the rules of badminton or just some of them?

The rules are actually more conducive to tennis. Each game consists of one 8-game pro set, so basically the first one to 7 points wins each game. If the game score gets to 3-3, kinda like deuce, the receiving team gets to choose who returns the serve. And the balls not quite the same as the pro ball, but very similar. This game will help tennis because it's going to teach tennis players how to come to net, something that doesn't happen much in regulation tennis anymore. If you can't volley, you aren't going to be any good at this game or the original. Oh, and clothing's optional.

You won two "national" championships in a row with partner Chris Henderson, what's your secret? Did you invent the sport and not teach it to anyone until you had practiced with friends and family at drunken barbecues for a couple of summers?

We communicate well and we're a good tag-team. He's more of the power guy, and I'm more the finesse guy. We both can play offense and we both can play defense. That's really important because this sport makes it easy to target one player, so you're only as strong as your weakest link. And I don’t think we have very many holes in our armor. The interesting thing is, though, the more popular this sport gets, the more you'll see top-talent competing. You might even see guys who played hoops and beach volleyball dominating this sport.

Who is better, you or that coattail rider Chris Henderson?

We don't even talk about that kind of thing. We could play one-on-one and it'd be pretty even, but it's not about that, it's about 2-on-2.

Weak. I've read that it actually began in Holland. How big of an influence do you believe ex-athlete potheads had on the creation of this sport?

No comment. Some say that on the Beach Tennis Tour, if you don't do drugs, you're kicked off. But I don't think that's necessarily true.

Fair enough, Amy Winehouse. Are you guys tested for performance enhancing drugs, like pina colatas and mai tai and High Life and shit like that?

Absolutely no drug testing, because at least 90% of competitors have enjoyed a cocktail before first serve.

Because you're an older gentleman in the sport, and the reigning champion, do you have a team of young minions aspiring to greatness in the NBTA?

Well, a lot of the young guys don't like playing a sport where a guy as old as their coach can hand them their ass, basically. A lot of my guys from COC love to play, and are very interested in using it periodically for cross-training and variety. The great thing is, the court's a little smaller, so an older guy like me doesn't have to give up any speed to younger and potentially faster opponents.

What's better, USC Tennis Groupies, or NBTA groupies?

I don't want to rag on USC, but I tell you what, there really weren't many girls out there. While the best of the best were second to none, personally, I had no more than four dates in four years.

Who'd be a better NBTA competitor, Meredith McGrath or Brenda Shultz-McCarthy, the two women you coached in the WTA?

Great question! Brenda would have a killer serve because she served "tall," and Meredith would be crafty on the court. So Brenda would be kind of like my partner, Chris, and Meredith would be more like me. I think their strengths would work well for a doubles pairing. I think they should make a comeback from their career-ending injuries.

What are some of your favorite beach tennis-specific moves?

The dive is unbelievable, but there's no specific name. I guess we sometimes call it "the spatula." "The skyhook" is big, but was invented in traditional tennis by Jimmy Conners. We also refer to the far corner that a volley often leaves open as the "coffin corner."

Wow! Pleasant! Perfect stuff to market to the kids! Now, if the kids read vulgar sports blogs written by ex-cons and transvestites, your sport should be mainstream in no-time!