THROWING KNIVES: AHH THE DREADED POSSIBILITIES

by BD, Staff Writer

With the final four set for this NFL season I got to thinking about what I'd rather not hear over those two weeks between this Sunday and Superbowl Sunday. Their are so many horrendous possibilities that the media can beat to death it's a bit unfortunate. Just to many stab-myself-in-the-face-to-stop-the-pain possibilities. I can already hear Berman beating the shit out of a dead horse now. It's arguably the worst two weeks of the year. The two weeks we're forced to hear the same thing recited from every direction. Thus, I decided to take a look at some of the nauseating story lines that could leave us searching for our end a week from now. And subsequently decide which I can bear more after the jump.

If The Giants and Chargers win...
The "opportunity to prove which team got the better end of the deal" storyline strikes up. The two weeks include non-stop "tale of the tape" style comparisons of the two QB's as if we've never seen them before. Eli maintains a two week long erection as he nears his chance to win the big one faster than his brother and silence his critics as Peyton had just a year earlier. Rivers actually flies Drew Brees in to perform daily fellatios on him as the result of bet the two made in the shower after Brees learned he wouldn't be returning to San Diego. Oh and almost forgot about the "Norv Turner can coach after all" storyline, but none of us would buy that garbage for a minute anyway so I'll just leave it at that.

My result is a Giants victory as Eli becomes the darling of the football world after completing 27/28 passes for 363 yards and 5 TD's. LaDainian Tomlinson threatens retirement if Billy Volek isn't named the starter in 2008.

If The Giants and Patriots win...
Two different story lines make the rounds. The first is "Brady's quest to own another Manning on the big stage." The second features the obvious "quest for perfection" bullshit we can only stomach for the sake of shoving it up Mercury Morris' urethra. And of course blowing up his "neighborhood" while he's wearing his best sweater vest. After the game Tom Brady inadvertently impregnates half of the female fans in attendance while celebrating with Randy Moss. After failing to believe in Brady's sexual prowess Gisele poses for Playboy and we all win. She reveals in her interview that Brady might be gay as he'd only ever put it in her poop shoot. Eli's erection fits in here as well. The only difference is that Brady manages to bring it down for a 20 minute period the night before the game.

Obviously my result here is a Patriots win as I'd love to see Gisele spread eagle. I mean, who wouldn't?

If the Patriots and Packers win...
This just might be the worst case scenario for us all. The "two greatest QB's of all-time" bullshit storyline is sure to surface. Emmit Smith repeatedly insists in Favre's greatness citing his numerous records. Keyshawn Johnson actually smacks him once and reminds him just how long Brett's been playing. John Madden has a stroke trying to figure out who's balls he's going to wax throughout the two weeks. In memoriam, Brady delivers a special boom to Moss in more ways than one. Both of Favre's heads literally explode at all the attention they're each getting.

Aaron Rogers cannot lead the Pack to victory in the wake of the Favre tragedy and the Pats make it a perfect 19-0.

If the Chargers and Packers win...
I'd expect this to be the easiest to stomach as I'd mostly be a festival of Favre and a vindication of Norv Turner. That said, I find it the most unlikely of all scenario's as the Chargers won't beat the Pats. The result is probably a Green Bay romp as Ryan Grant piles up another crapload of yards.

All in all the toughest to stomach would probably be a Pats-Pack match up. It's also the most likely at this point so prepare for the coming storm accordingly. The Chargers are dead in the water to me as the Colts did more beating of themselves than anything else yesterday. Furthermore I'd favor either NFC winner over the Bolts. While I think both NFC teams could and would give us a worth watching Superbowl against the Pats. One great possibility if the Giants can make it is the painting of Tiki Barber as the locker room cancer he most certainly was.

So what's it going to be folks? Which possibility are you least looking forward to?