TO THE FANS OF THE BIG 10 AND COLLEGE FOOTBALL (CONTINUED)

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

Greetings from the Big 10 Conference,

Most of you are very aware of who I am, if you're not, I'll introduce myself properly. I'm Jim Delaney, commissioner of America's favorite college conference, the Big 10. Why do you know my name already if you already do? It could be one of two reasons. The casual sports fan would never know someone that's in my position unless I was really good at my job, or extremely awful. I'll let my resume' do the talking. Oh, not to mention I'm one of the biggest douchebags to walk the face of the Earth and I've got a fucking powertrip that would make any Axis Leader blush. Throughout my tenure, I've had many "successes" as pointed out by Epic Carnival writer "Isaac(?)", who is obviously a terrorist to our conference. Let me be frank and say I do not condone any of the writers for Epic Carnival, and their battering of my bab-.... er... "business", the Big 10 Conference.

Some of you will recall my open letter to you after last years disappointing performance in the BCS games by our conference's best two team's, Ohio State and Michigan. Everyone can recall the rape in Arizona and some have forgotten the stomping the Trojans of Southern Cal gave Michigan in the Rose Bowl. All that to follow another beatdown in Atlanta to those pesky Southerners, a game that I'm still reviewing as fraud. And then what happened on Monday... *sigh*. I'm going to try to reiterate the things that make us a better conference morally, academically, and socially in the Big 10.

We're now adopting a new motto here in the office. We as the Big 10 should think of ourselves as "the lovable loser". It's not about winning or losing my minions, it's about how you compete. And did you ever feel that our teams never tried their hardest against those stronger, faster, and ultimately dumber teams from the rest of the Great U. S. and A? No, you say, because we played hard, and can clearly outsmart all of those dumb jocks. I heard they're still trying to fit square pegs in circular holes at Mississippi State. I laugh at that because our laboratory Big 10 Athletes are given 10 page examinations on calculus right out of the womb, and if they do not pass, they are thrown in the dumpster behind my house. Just because we can't compete with you physically, doesn't mean we can't hone our focus academically (which we kinda fail at as well anyways... shit!). I've also devised the Big 10 network, a television station dedicated to the glorious nation of Big Tenstonia so that we can homer ourselves to death. Also under way is www.BrentMusburgersucksoffSweatervest.com, for our "adult" readers.

I'm also the block that keeps you from seeing a playoff in college football. Those assholes from the South are trying to rehash the idea. That is pure lunacy. What would happen to the Big 10 / Pac 10 matchup everyone... nay, the nation looks forward to in the Rose Bowl. Did you see how competitive Illinois was against USC? The Illini almost scored 20 points. I should send all of those boys some nice whores from Oakland to congratulate them. A playoff just cannot, and will not happen, as long as I'm calling the shots. You've got a better shot of me filling this barren land I call my "scalp" with hair follicles. And let me tell you fuckers, I haven't seen hair up there since Ohio State's last win over an SEC team in a bowl game... which is never.

Keep your chin up Big 10 fan. Women's basketball is underway, and I heard the Penn State Lady Lions had a stellar squad full of intelligent, charming ladies that can shoot the rock. Perhaps this April, we'll get what's finally ours, a trophy.

I'm Jim Delaney. You know me because I blow. Also because I like to write letters like this, just to say "fuck you" SEC. I hope you, whatever the fuck your commissioners name is, and all of your athletes rot in Keith Jackson's armpit. Now if you'll excuse me, there are some cookies and milk waiting for me in the Study. Don't forget to tune into the Big 10 Network tonight for tonight's exciting matchup between Purdue and Iowa in women's field hockey. Those ladies should set the field on fire, and burn with the ashes.

Sincerly,

Jim Delaney