TOP 11 FUTURE EXCUSES FOR ROGER CLEMENS

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

11. Just trying to keep up with that bastard Greg Maddux, who as the radar gun can attest, has clearly been on the juice forever

10. If you know a better way of getting B12 into a body than injecting it in your hindquarters like a lab animal, he wants to to hear it! Oh. It comes in pill form? Yes. Well, that changes... nothing. Nothing!

9. With the low prices of medications in Canada, he'd have been a fool not to take advantage of it during his days in Toronto

8. On the advice of counsel, Mr. Clemens is forced to invoke his Fifth Amendment rights against self-incrimination, and against ever seeing another endorsement dollar

7. Did it in preparation for his starring movie role

6. Barry Bonds told him it was all flaxseed oil

5. Now that we've all seen what a shrew his wife is from those cell phone ads, side effect impotence is a win -- and it also kept Andy Pettite away on road trips

4. Was playing a lot of video games with the kids, and thought power ups were real

3. After years of hitters getting all the good drugs, someone had to be a pioneer -- yes, dammit, a pioneer

2. Warren Spahn and Christy Mathewson were total meth heads, and Cy Young was a freaking opium fiend, but do you ever hear anything about them? No, it's always Clemens this, Clemens that...

1. Just really wanted to be on 60 Minutes