Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: TOP X REASONS THE NFL NEEDS TO BE TAKEN DOWN A PEG


by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

X. Roman numerals for the Super Bowl. Really, your event is so unlike anything else in the entire world that it has to be the only thing, outside of guys whose dads had to name them after themselves, to use a numbering system that no one uses outside of a fifth grade civics class?

I'm raising my III finger to that, NFL. Read between the Carthaginians!

IX. Two weeks between the conference championships and the Super Bowl. What, the host city needs more time? I think you are seriously underestimating the speed of prostitutes.

VIII. The NFL Network. You took some of the most compelling games of the regular season, then put them on a network that the vast majority of the fans could not see, in a pissing match with equally hateful people at the cable company. Then you punished those who did watch with Bryant Gumbel and Deion Sanders. Finally, when your feet were pressed to the fire of the Perfectriot-Giants game, you gave in faster than a cheerleader on roofies. Lame, lame, lame.

VII. Taunting penalties. It's OK to more or less try to kill each other on every snap of the ball, but any attempt to hurt your opponent's feelings gets the maximum penalty short of ejection. Did all of the NFL's rules officials play the clarinet as children?

VI. Media Day. It's good wacky fun to encourage the worst excesses of an institution who, if they were any lazier and less intellectually curious, would not be able to walk upright. What a piece of work is man!

V. Uniform Nazis. Players and teams are routinely fined tens of thousands of dollars for any deviation from the perfect little robot fashion code. I understand that if this kind of thing isn't checked, it could lead to Unchecked Sartorial Weirdness -- and we couldn't have that, could we? At least, not unless that Weirdness is available for $99.95 in the pro shop. (Did I just give you an XIth reason? Hell and yes.)

Lighten up, people. It's a public service to know which players are dumb enough to consider Michael Vick a political prisoner.

IV. Crap fields. Let's not forget the unwatchable slop game between the Giants and Dolphins in London, or the series of hopeless games at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh. What, the league doesn't make enough money to have an emergency artificial rug to throw down in the event of rain, overscheduling and groundskeeper incompetence?

III. Instant replay. Forget, for a second, the interminable delays and additional hardship for fans of teams with idiot coaches. (Really, don't they suffer enough?) What we basically say with this is that some teams and games are more important to get the correct call made -- since they have more television coverage and/or better cameras to get every nuance.

While we are at it, why not deflate the ball for bad teams, shrink the field, or take time off the clock? Ravens Fan, think of how much better I just made your 2007.

II. Pac Man Jones. The man was doing astounding work for bloggers, and what does the NFL do? Make him about as relevant as Rae Carruth, and starves him of the cash that he needs to continue to do his excellent work. No Fun League, indeed.

I. For decades now, it has been obvious that there is a market for spring football, ever since the USFL attracted dozens of top-tier players, reasonable TV ratings for a new league, and even some solid attendance figures, depending on the local market.

Since then, the NFL has satisfied that need with... terrible football in Europe, and mutated football in a freaky closet, mostly in third-tier markets, in the US. Way to satisfy the market, you numbnuts. Do you really think that your audience is really happy about the seven months of the year without games?

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