YOU KILLED MY AMERICAN GLADIATORS; PREPARE TO DIE

by Ray, Flyers Fieldhouse

You miserable bastards. You just had to do it, didn't you? You continue to take integral pieces of my childhood, attempt to give them a new millennium sheen, and only succeed in tainting the legacy of that which I've held dear for so many years. You did it to the Ninja Turtles. You did it to Superman. And now you've done it American Gladiators. You're a heartless wench, entertainment business.

What I don't understand is why this monument to perfection needed to brought into the 21st century. You could have left well enough alone and things would have gone beautifully. Judging by the prominence of breasts, faux machismo, and breasts on display, I'm guessing the target demographic is the male 18-34 group. So why do you need to change the script for a show that worked so well? That demographic remembers this once great franchise, and if they were tuning in, I'm guessing the majority looks back fondly on the American Gladiators 1.0.

So why do we need pyrotechnics and light shows to sell this to us? Remember, we're in the 18-34 age demographic. We're no longer children. We don't need shiny things to keep our attention. Those that are in this demographic and need constant movement to maintain their fragile attention spans are stupid. And stupid people make for the worst TV audience, because they're fickle. This week they're watching American Gladiators. Next week they're back to watching the spectacularly unfunny Family Guy.

STICK. TO. THE. BASICS.

Remember the special effects the original American Gladiators employed? That's right: a smoke machine. It had all the production value of a seasonal Halloween store. And it was brilliant. You can almost never go wrong with a stripped down and raw approach.

Also, do away with the theatrics from the gladiators themselves. The best gladiators were those that were emotionless cyborgs hellbent on putting your face through your asshole. You know who was the worst gladiator before this current group of atrocities? Malibu. Malibu was f**king worthless. Why? Because he talked too much. He was a steroid-addled version of Spicoli, and everyone actively rooted for him to fall of The Pyramid and break his neck.

Our new hosts need to go, as well. An American Gladiators without The Csonk is hardly an American Gladiators at all. Every segment with Laila Ali begins the exact same way: "How did it feel to be up there?" How did it feel? I just got horse-collared by a brobdingnagian ape of a woman. It felt fantasic, Laila. And if I had a nickel for every time Hulk Hogan said "brother," I'd be backstroking through my millions like Scrooge McDuck in the intro to Duck Tales. Enough. The gimmick is old and tired. You're lucky the Csonkastrator isn't on site to point out the biggest asshole in the building in bright yellow.

Lastly, what's with the new events? Trust me, I appreciate that you kept The Pyramid and Powerball the same. Those were the two most consistently violent events, and I like them as such. But Earthquake? How unoriginal is that? You just took sumo wrestling and elevated it twenty feet. Boooooring. And Hit and Run is doing nothing for me. You just took a minor part of the original Eliminator and extended it to a 60-second event. Clever.

Ditch the new events and bring back two of my very favoritest events from yesteryear: Breakthrough & Conquer and Human Cannonball. It's American Gladiators at its finest. Two objects, one 100% larger, moving at each other at break-neck speeds. What's not to love? Breakthrough & Conquer was just an open-field tackling drill for the gladiators with gloriously hilarious results. Human Cannonball was one man on a rope swing trying to use momentum, and a well-timed swift kick to the midsection, to launch a gladiator off a platform. It bears repeating: What's not to love about that?

Unfortunately, producers with heads lodged firmly in their sphincters are the final say-so, and none of this will happen. Current format not working? Clearly we need more fire. And give that Wolf some more lines! That wolf howl is gold, Jerry. Gold!

At the very least, please don't let Titan wear a sports bra anymore. It's a little creepy.