48 HOURS ON HARDWOOD: WEEKEND EDITION

by HP, Hardwood Paroxysm

Here's what went on this weekend in the NBA. Yes. That basketball league. No. Not the one with the big tournament in March. Yes. The one with the guns and drugs and Lithuanian dudes.

Yello "Hello!", Melo!: So what did you do with your weekend? Put up some drywall? Fix that leaky faucet upstairs? Go see a startling off-Broadway show? Jerk off into a gymsock? Well, here's what Carmelo Anthony did. Two games, 70:59 of playing time, 76pts, 12 rebounds, 4 assists, 5 steals, 2 blocked shots, 2 wins. Kind of puts changing the oil in the car to shame, don't it? Melo was redonkulous this weekend with wins over the Wiz and the banged-up LeBronite-less LeBronites. People scoffed when Melo was selected for the All-Star game. Well, who's laughing now, bitch? Who's laughing now?

Surging Into The Break On A Win Streak Of...One.: The Knicks toppled the mighty Milwaukee Bucks on Saturday, and Jamal Crawford, after scoring 30 points on 11-23 shooting, said "It almost felt like we won the championship." I'm not sure who's that sadder for, Jamal Crawford, the Knicks, the Bucks, or Spike Lee. People are all aflutter that the Knicks are playing better. They've won 2 of their last 8.

The Big Fundamentally Not Fundamental To Victories: Paul Pierce would like to invite all of you to suck his right nut. Not both of them, just his right one. It's saltier, and he's named it "Why No One Should Have Forgotten I'm Still Kickass." He calls it "Herman" for short. After escaping "rival" Minnesota on Friday with a last second layup from Leon Powe, Pierce helped the Celtics brush the Spurs off their shoulders on Sunday with 35 points. The Celtics improved to 5-2 without Garnett in the lineup and 39-9 overall. Yowzers. The Celtics are 16-0 against the Western Conference this season. Yowzer-Bowzers and Zoinks.

YOU CAN'T STOP PAU GASOL (Unless You're The Hawks): The greatest team ever assembled was 1-1 over the weekend, with a disappointing loss to the Hawks on Friday that surely was caused by some sort of massive EMP, shorting out Pau Gasol's cybernetic functions. Thankfully, America's Team broke through on Sunday against a very tough Miami squad (no, really), who seem rejuvenated by Shawn Marion's presence. They might have made it a game,too, if Ricky Davis did not play basketball professionally. Pau Gasol, in all seriousness, is simply amazing with this Laker offense.

It's Like Waiting For Prom, If Your Date Was A 300LB, 34 Year-Old Center/Genie/Superhero/Police Officer: Shaq's in Phoenix, raring to go, but he's not going to see court time until Wednesday at the earliest. In the meantime, Phoenix almost lost to Seattle with Kevin Durant only scoring 9 points, and then let the Wizards hang around all game before eeking out a one-point win last night. The good news is that Amare Stoudemire looks like he's ready to get back to doing what he does best. Dunking, screaming, and missing free-throws.