DEAR RANDY, AARON, RAY, AND THE REST

by Simon, SimonOnSports

Dear Offense,

Hey guys I just want to let you guys know that my fantasy draft is next week and I was really contemplating what round I would be willing to draft myself in. I know I'm going to be awesome. I mean I'm entering the Golden 3rd full year. But I'm unsure if I'm worth the pick. And why is that? Because you guys look like you are going to suck.

Let's just take last year. I lost 16 games. 16 friggin games. That makes me look like a chump and I'm certainly not a chump. I had a 3.65 ERA and 1.26 WHIP. That's pretty damn good. But I still lost 16 god damn games cause you guys sucked so much.

Last year I lost 4 god damn games in which I only gave up 1 run. One fuckin run. 4 games. Not the one fluky game where you guys get shut out. Nope 4 games. How can you get shut out 4 god damn times when I pitch? And of course I lost 5 games when I only gave up 2 earned runs. That's 9 games lost when I gave up 2 runs or less. Do you know how demoralizing that is to a 23 year old kid? Sure you do, cause I cried all the time in the locker room and smashed Barry's recliner the last time.

So what concerns me, is that I'm going to be a beast on the mound again this year. And I really think that somehow someway I could lose more games cause you guys will suck even more than last year. I mean we all know I'm not going to help with any offensive production. I've only got 5 rbis in my career. So really it's up to you guys to score some runs. And Aaron you're going to have to pick up the slack from what Barroid did last year. No pressure there.

So basically I just want to know if you guys are going to suck as bad or worse than last year so I can know whether I need to avoid myself in my fantasy draft.

Thanks Losers,
Matt Cain

PS. Barry's been kissing all your bats for good luck.