FROM THE GREAT WHITE NORTH: INTRODUCING THE ROCKET SURGEONS

by E. Spencer Kyte, Bugs and Cranks

Rocket Surgeon (noun): someone who from all outside appearance looks like they are incredibly gifted in their chosen field but in actuality is a complete and utter moron.

As sports fans, we're fortunate enough to be witness to countless Rocket Surgeons. Here are some recent noteworthy examples...

Kelvin Sampson, Head Coach, Indiana University Men's Basketball Team (for now)
You're the head man of one of the biggest, most storied basketball programs in the country. An entire state lives and dies with the success of your team. You have a clause in your contract that specifies that if you commit the same recruiting violations which you have already been fined an exorbitant amount of money for in the past you're going to get fired. What do you do? Genius... pure genius.

Ed Wade, General Manager, Houston Astros
Even people who don't follow baseball knew Miguel Tejada's name was going to show up in the Mitchell Report. So what do you do? You ship a decent outfielder (Luke Scott), a couple of pitching prospects (Troy Patton, Matt Albers) and two more players to Baltimore for him THE DAY BEFORE THE MITCHELL REPORT COMES OUT!

Did you have plans the next day or something? As a GM, chances are you were waiting to hear the results of the Mitchell Investigation, were you not? I mean jesus! It's not that hard is it?

Chris Wallace, General Manager, Memphis Grizzlies
The Gasol Trade was awful. AWFUL. You already had two point guards (Conley and Lowry), so you didn't need Crittendon and telling everyone Marc Gasol is one of the best big men in Spain doesn't matter to anyone. Freddie Weis was one of the best big men in Europe when the Knicks drafted him and we all know what happened to him. (Side Note: I still hate Vince Carter for quitting on the Raptors... but this is the sickest dunk of all-time!)

Picking up Michael Jordan's Rocket Science Moment (Kwame Brown) is okay because it gives you cap room after the season and the picks are nice, except that some of us remember the last time you had a handful of first round picks. Boston, 2001 Draft. Kedrick Brown before Richard Jefferson, Troy Murphy, Zach Randolph and Brendan Haywood. Joe Forte before Gerald Wallace, Samuel Dalembert, Jamaal Tinsley, Tony Parker, Agent Zero and Memo Okur.

Have fun rebuilding Memphis. Wait until you see what he gets you for Kyle Lowry or Mike Miller! Hope you like Canned Ham...

Mats Sundin, Center, Toronto Maple Leafs
Really? You can pretty much pick the Stanley Cup contender you want to play for over the next couple of months, potentially collect and ring and still return to Toronto in the off season when your contract is up and you don't want to waive your no trade clause?

That's really sweet and noble of you Mats, but it's a lot like the band on the Titanic continuing to play after the whole iceberg incident. "Nothing to panic about folks. Who wants to hear some more swing music? Hit it boys!"

Rob Babcock, Former General Manager, Toronto Raptors
2004 NBA Draft, 8th Pick: Rafael Araujo.
Notable Selections following Araujo: AI2, Andris Biedrins, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, hell even JR Smith. Do I need to keep going?

2005 NBA Draft, 16th Pick: Joey Graham
Notable Selections following Graham: how about Danny Granger at 17? Right now, I would take any of Jarrett Jack, Francisco Garcia, Jason Maxiell, David Lee, Monta Ellis, Andrey Blatche or Ryan Gomes over Joey G.

Oh yeah, if you're still wondering why Minnesota got so little in the Kevin Garnett deal, it's not just because Kevin McHale wanted to help out his buddy Danny Ainge. Babcock is the team's Assistant General Manager.