by E. Spencer Kyte, Bugs and Cranks
LeBron: What up Dan?
Ferry: Well, I made a couple moves today and I wanted to let you know.
LeBron: Is that right?
Ferry: Yeah. I got you...
LeBron: Oh, I know what you got me. I got ESPN.
Ferry: What'dya think?
LeBron: S'okay I guess.
Ferry: Okay? You said you wanted some talent around you. I got you some talent.
LeBron: You traded three of our five starters. I know Ira don't really count, but shit Dan. All that's left is me and Z.
Ferry: I know but...
LeBron: C'mon Danny. Do we have to do this?
Ferry: Do what LeBron? I just wanted to know what you thought of...
LeBron: (Holding phone away from face and talking to someone in the background) This fool wanna know what I think of his trades! A'ight Dan. Here's what I think of your trades.
You couldn't have got me Wally Szczerbiak at the start of the year? He was one of those "available for a limited time" kinda guys? Just became available so you had to swoop in and get him. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have a guy who can knock down the open 3 that the crowd don't hate, but if a guy who can knock down the open 3 was the missing piece, couldn't you have gotten me Kyle Korver earlier in the year?
Ferry: Bron, it's just...
LeBron: Oh, I done yet Dan. You wanted my thoughts. You got my thoughts. On all them moves. How am I supposed to be excited about Ben Wallace? I mean, yeah, he's a better defended than Drew and I won't be throwing any "The Fuck Did You Do That?" stares at him, but what's he average, 6 points? At least Drew could drop ten-plus. And it's not like I get away from dudes with messed up hair either.
Ferry: Yeah, but think...
LeBron: What did I tell you? Have I covered everybody yet?
LeBron: That's right. So why don't you just let me finish then Dan.
What does Joe Smith give me, huh? Energy off the bench? I got that with Andy. Although you almost fucked that up too, didn't you Dan?
Ferry: We knew Charlotte wasn't...
LeBron: Yeah, right. Anyway. Why'd you have to get rid of Donyell?
Ferry: Well he wasn't really con...
LeBron: Yeah but he was good for a laugh every once in a while. 'Member when he couldn't find his jersey?
And Delonte West. Delonte West? This guy couldn't get minutes over Earl Watson and you want me to be excited? Earl Watson can't hit a 15-foot jumper and you want me to be excited about the guy who couldn't steal minutes away from him?
Ferry: You said you wanted help and...
LeBron: How the fuck did Atlanta get Mike Bibby? Whens the last time they made the playoffs? Bringing me Ben Wallace and Wally Szczerbiak expecting me to be excited. All these other teams adding All-Stars and you're giving me Delonte West.
Ferry: Well last year...
LeBron: Last year? Last year? My back is still tight from carrying this team to the Finals by my self last year. I been asking for help for two years. You bring in Delonte West and I'm supposed to be excited?
Ferry: Bron it's...
LeBron: Listen Dan. I got some things I need to do. Ira's been texting me since he heard the deal, wondering who the hell plays for Seattle that can make him look like an NBA player the way I have the last couple years. I need to go say goodbye.
Ferry: Okay. Are we...
LeBron: You know how bad I want this championship right?
LeBron: So then you know I'm gonna carry this team just like last year right?
LeBron: So then what's the problem?
Ferry: Could you just tell the media that you liked the trades?
LeBron: I'll see what I can do.
Ferry: Delonte West is actually a...
LeBron: Goodbye Dan.
Ferry: Oh. Uh, see ya LeBron.
by E. Spencer Kyte, Bugs and Cranks