THE PROPHET'S THURSDAY TAPOUT: "SPECIAL THURSDAY EDITION" EDITION

by The Prophet, ProphetFighting

Don't soil yourself....your eyes aren't deceiving you. This is a special Thursday Edition of my award winning column "The Tuesday Tapout". There's a few news items from the MMA world I'm going to tell you about, but the real reason I'm here is that I'm pissed off and need to vent. I would have had this posted yesterday but I couldn't think of a good alliteration with "Wednesday". Actually, I've been through a lot in the past 24 hours and it would make me feel better if I talked about it....I couldn't think of any picture that would fit with the theme so here's a hot chick in a schoolgirl outfit and glasses...

THE PROPHET'S WIRELESS INTERNET MAELSTROM

Some people really have their nerve…here I am the future of fightsport journalism (TM) and I’m being forced to type this up in Microsoft Word and post it later. Until last night I was content using some unknown neighbor’s unsecured wireless access. Now the SOB has gone and secured it—no doubt he’s some sissy-boy who doesn’t enjoy manly things like beer, dogs, cigars, porno and fighting. If I can figure out who it is I’ll have to make a note to kick his ass. At the very least I’ll have to put the fear of God into him for being so inconsiderate and causing me so much inconvenience. If I had his phone number I’d would have woken up my assistant, Jodi, and ask her to call him and find out what the hell his deal is.

In addition to delaying this post he clearly doesn’t realize just how important it is for me to have my finger on the pulse of the boxing/MMA community 24/7. How am I supposed to do that now that he’s gone and secured his wireless access point? And I have a hard time keeping my cool when I think of how he’s put me out—I’ve now got to call the local cable company and make an appointment to get my own broadband Internet hooked up. They’ll want to set up an appointment time and will expect me to actually be here and wait up to 2 hours until they arrive. They’ll even expect me to pay for their service. All because this anonymous neighbor was so damn egocentric (that means he can’t think of anyone but himself for those of you who aren’t fellow Mensa members) everyone has to suffer—the fightsport journalism profession, my fans and followers and, most importantly, myself.

Sure, he may have suffered some temporary bandwith issues but its important to keep in mind that I just moved here. You think this clown would understand that I have to get all 81 UFC events and the entire catalogs of Frank Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, Motley Crue, Metallica, Guns & Roses and KISS and I need them now. And if I don’t download them via Bit Torrent how the hell am I supposed to get them? It reminds me of a quote that I heard once that some famous guy said—the quote was “Ask not what you can do for yourself, but ask what you can do for the future of fightsport journalism(TM).” That might not be verbatim, but you get the general idea.

The result of all of this is that I’ll be without Internet access in my crib for almost 24 hours. What is the world coming to when fightsport journalists of the highest order—me, for example--have to work under such barbaric conditions? It’s almost like this video I saw on TV once of this place in the Third World or somewhere where they don’t even have good clothes, decent restaurants or anywhere to buy premium cigars. I thought it was like a planet on “Star Trek” or something until the girl giving me the lap dance told me that this hellhole really exists. It’s bad enough that anyone has to live in such primitive conditions but the thought that I should have to do so—even for less than a day—is what really should be keeping people up at night.

I tried to call one of my “computer security specialists” and see if he could figure out a way to bypass the wireless security. This is illegal, of course, but my attorney says that they make exceptions for situations that are in “the interest of national security”. Under his interpretation of the law, that covers doing research for an article on Tim Sylvia and similar requirements of the MMA journalism profession. To add insult to injury, my emergency call to my computer guy rolled over to voicemail. I’m concerned that he’s nodded off or something when he knows that he’s supposed to be on call during all of my “peak writing hours”.

The problem may be that this guy still lives in the Eastern Time Zone—I told him that the best way for him to deal with the fact that I was henceforth going to be on Pacific Time was to set his clock back and start living his life three hours earlier. That way when it was 1:20 AM here on the west coast, it would be 1:20 AM there and it would basically be the same time, at least as far as he was concerned. He made some feeble excuse about his school, job and family still existing on Eastern Time but I explained that he should just ask them to set *their* clocks back three hours as well. For a guy so smart about computers he sure lacks common sense sometimes. I guess that commitment to a job well done isn’t “groovy” or “with-it” to the younger generation. I’ve tried to be a role model to this kid and he’s seen how *I’ll* put in the extra effort—working five, sometimes six hours in the *same day* if necessary to get the news from the fight world out to my clamoring readership. Of course I’ll take a nap at some point during this six hour stretch, but on the rare occasions when I have to put in these brutal hours its not like anyone can blame me.

So as you're reading this post and my future posts remember the amazing tenacity I'm demonstrating by getting them posted at all--I'm not one to rest on my laurels and when the world throws overwhelming adversity at me I man up and go the extra mile....

KIMBO SLICE/TANK ABBOTT COMING NEXT WEEKEND:

I was extremely disappointed by the cancellation of their originally scheduled meeting, but Kimbo Slice v. Tank Abbott will finally take place next Saturday night, February 16th as the main event of an EliteXC card to be broadcast on Showtime. Sure, Kimbo got his start fighting big rastas and nightclub bouncers in vacant lots and boat dealerships he's been training with Bas Rutan and is no joke. For some reason, I've heard from a lot of people that think Tank has a legit shot in this fight. Consider that Tank has a career MMA record of 9-13, has one victory in his L8 fights dating back to 1998 and that win was over Wesley "Cabbage" Correira who'll never be mistaken for Fedor Emelianenko. This victory was avenging a loss to "Cabbage" and losing to this guy is just pitiful. Before that, Tank last beat a serious opponent...uh....never?

Tank's a guy who brags about not training and who's fighting style was outmoded back in the mid 1990s. Plus he's an old dude. For reasons unbeknownst to me people still act like he's some kind of badass. He really never was and he definitely ain't one now. Kimbo wins this by first round TKO and may teabag the prone Abbott for good measure....

FRENCH CANADIANS GO BONKERS FOR MMA:

On last Saturday's UFC Dana "King of the F-Bomb" White announced a show for the Bell Center in Montreal to be headlined by homeboy Georges St. Pierre against Matt Serra for the welterweight title. Presale tickets were offered to members of the UFC mailing list this weekend and the French Canadians bought them up faster than a deal on Molson's Beer or Guy Lafluer bobblehead dolls. As of Wednesday all of the presale tickets had been sold--all 14,000 of them, meaning that since ducats hadn't been offered to the general public yet the event was almost certain to sell out within hours. Already the UFC is planning to set up some closed circuit locations and sell tickets for those....

This enthusiastic reaction from Quebecers to MMA caught be by surprise and I'm having a hard time making sense of it. Sure, GSP is a native of Montreal and the fight against Serra should be a good one but that doesn't explain tickets selling at a pace you'd expect for a Rush/Tragically Hip concert but not for an MMA event. I'm going to be doing some more research on whats up with MMA in Montreal, but for the moment at least its damn near inexplicable.

UFC SUING FORMER PRIDE OWNERS:

I've contended for months now that the UFC's purchase of PRIDE was a corporate fiasco on the level of "new Coke". The Fertita brothers dropped somewhere between $60 and $70 million for an organization that was about to go under due to shoddy business practices, didn't do any due diligence, acted all surprise to find out that their books and legal affairs were in disarray and then completely bungled just about everything they did with the company after they bought it. That's a whole other can of worms, but the story for now is that the Fertita's (or, more specifically, the corporate structure they set up for their ownership of PRIDE) are suing the organizations former owners, Dream Stage Entertainment. Basically, they bought the proverbial "pig in the poke", and now they're trying to sue the pig.

My theory for awhile now is that the Fertita's bought PRIDE as a means to lose enough money on paper to offset profits elsewhere. Who knows what their real intention was--but to resort to legal action as a remedy for problems caused by their poor analysis of the deal and complete bungling of everything after the purchase, is downright silly...

GET THE LATEST FIGHT SPORT COMMENTARY AT PROPHETFIGHTING

We'll be back on Tuesday with our regularly scheduled column, and don't be surprised to see a bonus column before then. Until then, get the latest on boxing and MMA at ProphetFighting...