THE 'ROID REPORT FOR THE WEEK OF FEB. 10

by Gary Gaffney, MD, Steroid Nation

"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

This was the week that Roger Clemens finally testified to a US Congressional committee -- settling exactly nothing. Although Clemens and his defense team monopolized the news since the Mitchell Report, it appears clear that following the huge earthquake Mitchell delivered in December will be many MLB aftershocks.

First to the Clemens hearing itself. Clemens lobbied to a star-struck Congress prior to his committee performance. One wondered if US Congressman readied Ebay ads to sell Clemens memorabilia. One Congressman in particular appeared to be star struck by Clemens -- Congressman Dan Burton from Indiana. Although Burton himself is neither a paragon of integrity nor a scholar of logical thought, he dove to new depths of unbelievable partisanship when he assaulted Clemens ex-trainer Brain McNamee time and time again for lying to newspapers. The bellicose Burton diatribe against McNamee appeared surreal when Clemens, sworn in under oath offered alibi after alibi for his actions, many of which appear diametrically opposed to reality as seen through everyone else's eyes.

Burton even called Clemens a Titan. Interesting that the Titans were deposed by the Olympic gods. Zeus drugged, then dragged Titan Cronus to imprisonment in a cave. Roger Clemens, meanwhile, seemed to have constructed his own prison composed of incredulous stories, bully threats, and surreal alibis. Along the way Clemens dissed McNamee, threw his wife under the bus, said Andy Pettitte was confused, and appeared to influence a witness -- his former nanny. Even though a congressman asked Clemens which uniform he will wear to the Hall of Fame, if the Feds indict Clemens for perjury he could well be wearing a different sort of uniform. Andy Pettitte's testimony appeared particularly damning to Clemens.

The aftershocks from the Mitchell Report and the congressional hearing continued on: Two Colorado Rockies players -- Glenallen Hill, and Matt Herges -- admitted to PED use. Another player in the Mitchell Report -- Blue Jay catcher Gregg Zaun -- denied PED use.

However, Andy Pettitte suffered multiple aftershocks from the hearing. Pettitte admitted to more frequent HGH use than previously reported. Furthermore in breaking news, stories emerged that Pettitte received HGH from his father Tom, who acquired HGH from a local gym rat-dealer. Pettitte's father sufferers form severe cardiac disease; ironically HGH can cause heart disease in some patients. The New York Yankee brass seems none too happy with Pettitte; not only did the Yanks give a sore-elbowed, HGH-using pitcher a 16 million dollar contract, but they passed up going after Twins ace pitcher Johan Santana.

Earlier in the week, loose atomic canon John Rocker hinted that an MLB doctor gave away secrets on steroid use to Raffy Palmeiro, Alex Rodriguez, Ivan Rodriguez, and himself while on the Ranger's in the early 2000s. A-Rod? Steroids? What?

In other news, the Brits were outraged that their athletic council named admitted BALCO-doper Dwain Chambers to the World Cup track team. Following a serious (?career-ending) knee injury to soccer star Ronaldo, a prominent Brazilian physician blamed the star's early program of steroids at a European pro soccer club for over-developing his muscles thus leading to the ligament and tendon injuries.

As the week ended, we are left with the most nagging question - did Roger Clemens attend Jose Canseco's 1998 party or not?