RYAN NAMED RANGERS PRESIDENT, ROTATION SPOT LIKELY AVAILABLE

by Tbone, The Sports Hernia

The Texas Rangers announced Nolan Ryan as their new team president today, straying from their annual announcement of overspending for a frighteningly awful free agent pitcher. While some fans may argue that the Vincente Padilla heist of '06 continues to pay invisible dividends, other Ranger fans can breathe a sigh of relief as the legendary Ventura-ass-kicking-pitcher makes his triumphant return to the bleak franchise.

Ryan will replace Jeff Cogen, who recently left the Rangers for a front office position with the Dallas Stars, which alone may offer all the insight you need to explain the consistent shittiness their fans have become so accustomed to, and in some cases proud of, over the years.

Some quotes circulating on the web regarding the new role for Ryan allude to much more than just some desk job or meaty headlines. Many insiders are already buzzing about an improbable return for the old man, and given the current state of the Rangers rotation, it's quite possible the 61-year old Ryan could be the team's top starter as soon as opening day.

“It is a great, great opportunity for Nolan,” said Don Sanders, co-owners of the Astros’ Class AAA and AA affiliates. “Nolan has had a lot of challenges over the years, but this will be a challenge. I think he’ll bring an awful lot to the Rangers."

If that nugget from the Houston Chronicle doesn't all but cement Ryan as the team's new ace, at the very least it means he plans to take on the entire pitching rotation in an unheard of 5-on-1 handicap match.

Although Ryan's title became official less than 24 hours ago, he's already sent a memo to the entire organization and it's players with major changes in store. Among those changes are: everyone's nameplate will be changed to "Hoss", all pens and pencils will be replaced with half-eaten baby back ribs, all contract negotiations will be centered around pinning someone and his new strict dress code will require all belt buckles to weigh at least five pounds.