TOP 10 BAD SPORTS DATE IDEAS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

So you've decided to take your girl out to a game on Valentine's Day. Congratulations on having someone to take in the first place, and really, how many people know your family tree enough to suspect the cousin thing? Here's ten land mines to avoid in your quest for the post-game spread. (Giggity giggity!)

10. Taking her to a sport that's entirely new. Unless she's so into you that she's little more than a lapdog (mmmm... lapdog), or you've got the private box thing going on, this is just asking for three hours of bad questions, lead-filled sighs, long waits in the concession line and, at best, a ruinous amount of Gift Shop time.

Hell, I can hardly blame her. Would you want to go someplace where you didn't know or care about what was going on, or who any of the people were? I get enough of that at work.

9. Extreme Seats. A date is not the place to (a) impress her with your frugality and physical fitness by climbing enough stairs to require an oxygen tank, or (b) convince her that you've got ridiculous amounts of Jack Nicholson to blow by going courtside. Either way, a bad story is blooming here.

You want seats that get the job done, for minutes at a time, with dependable results. (You can always go for the little blue pill seat and upgrade later, once you've made sure she's worth the oily discharge.)

8. Heckling. Unless she does it first, and if she does, she's a keeper. (Provided, of course, you are brave enough to face the possibility of booing in the bedroom.)

7. Painting yourself. It didn't work out for Patrick Warburton / David Putty on "Seinfeld", and it's not going to work out for you. Leave the paint bucket, along with your twenty-sided dice and your giant foam finger, at home in your secret happy place. Freak.

6. Getting tanked. Nothing quite says "Sad And Nookie-Less" like the guy who is getting driven home or tossed into a cab by his soon to be former girlfriend. Your best bet is to try to get her hammered, while you are drinking 7 and 7's without the 7. Let her go all Oksana Baiul / Dana Jacobson if she wants. There will be plenty of time to catch up later.

5. Ogling the cheerleaders. They will be there for the rest of your life. God willing, your date won't be. And if she does this first, stick a tranquilizer dart in her thigh and get to that all-night drive-in wedding place in Vegas. You are reading a sports blog, for God'd sake. You are not going to do better.

4. Talking about your fantasy team. I know, I know, no guy with a fantasy sports team has even been on a date before, yada yada yada. Let's face it, the truth is that there's more women than men out there, and they've all got that ticking time bomb between their legs. We all know they've dated the nerds, and that the nerds are, well, us. They've lowered their standards already. Don't rub their noses in it.

3. Not Leaving When She Wants To. You may think that you will be denied entry into Sports Fan Heaven (where all the screens are big, the beer and food is perfect, and you can see and hear the wailing of the damned sportscasters, color analysts and play by play men in Hell for all eternity) if you cut out of the game early.

But, um, She Doesn't Care, and it's wrong to foist your religion on her before she's drank the Kool-Aid. Remember: you are trying to get her to like this enough to avoid chick flicks, reality television, shopping and time spent with her family. If she wants to go a little early, GO. (And if you miss something amazing, maybe you can squeeze some guilt poon out of it.)

2. Getting on the Kiss Cam. These things exist for only one reason: to separate the Total Airhead Chaff from the Glorious Wheat That is Women Who You Won't Want to Duct Tape Their Mouths Shut After They Are Done. (Mmmmm. Wheat.)

If your girl looks like a home-schooler that's just won a spelling bee when the Kiss Cam comes around, tell her you have to go to the john, then flee the state. You'll be better off.

1. Proposing marriage. I'm not anti-marriage here, but... you're committing to a lifetime of getting old and physically undesirable with each other. You may lose half of your assets in a divorce. You may even find yourself on the hook for the continued survival and evolution of the species. And you've decided to reach this momentous occasion in the middle of the third quarter, after a furry has sprayed the crowd with t-shirts from his slingshot. Don't you think that you, her, or the rest of us who will watch you like rubberneckers on the freeway, deserve better?

There's this little thing called pride. Get some, then see if you still think that televising one of the most important moments of your life, so that drunken fools can get their Nero on over your life. is a good idea. If it still is please kill yourself, as you are an evolutionary dead end that needs to be Nipped In The Bud as quickly and painlessly as possible. Besides, your head should make for exceptional fertilizer.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!