10. Pump up the young guns. Every year, there is a starting pitcher that looks like he's going to set the world on fire -- and every year, he disappoints. Don't believe me? See Harden, Rich, Hernandez, Felix, and Cain, Matt. All three of them are fine pitchers and could be good values *this* year, but in the recent past, they've all been the focus of owners that paid way too much for promise.
9. Bring porn. The more graphic and disturbing the better, and then sprinkle it liberally through the draft area. It will either distract (the other owners) or infuriate (the commish's wife), and either way, you're way ahead. Plus, hey, porn!
8. False starts. This one's simple; just start to read off a name of a guy that you want, but later on, either for less in an auction or later in a draft... and then stop suddenly, while looking at a laptop like you've just read that the guy's been brutally killed. Then, draft or bid on someone else while looking like you've just gotten out of yard work. Lather, rinse, repeat!
7. Sabotage. Does the guy next to you have a laptop and an unfortunate amount of personal decency that precludes him from taking it with him to the can? His draft rankings need help. Rangers starting pitching help.
6. Variable pattern. If you've been making your picks or bids immediately, take two rounds to stretch it out to the maximum. The key is to make your fellow owners, especially the ones around you, to be as jumpy as possible.
5. Rule Fight! Does your league use strikeouts per nine innings instead of strikeouts divided by walks? How about batting average instead of on base average? Demand a rule or category change! It's guaranteed to get the same old owners making the same old arguments for all of them, and in the ruckus, you can get many competitors off their game.
4. Chemical weapons. Use your lactose intolerance, fondness for garlic and onions, questionable oral hygiene and all-around body odor. Make them cry on Draft Day, and you'll make them cry all year long!
3. Magnets or matches. Depending, of course, on whether your own prep is on a laptop or paper. The magnet is, of course, much more discrete.
2. Mitchell! Given the size and tediousness of the federal government's Mitchell Report, it's nearly statistically impossible that anyone in your league has actually read it. So feel free to put their players in it. Besides, it's MLB in 2008: with the possible exception of Jamie Moyer and Tim Wakefield, we're all convinced that every player in the league is on the juice.
1. Dick jokes, your mother jokes, your mother's dick jokes
0 comment(s):
Post a Comment